Need some help, what should I do?

[Zahia]

He is a sucker. He did not even TRY. That shows a lot about him right?

Zahia sister, You will fine a Pashtun man who looks a billion times better than him and treats you better than him. what kind of Beghairat man is this guy? He does not even have the guts to tell his parents yet he loves you? You are right. He is a stinking immigrant. Yes I am mad.

Thank you brother. I'm furious. We actually talked in person after and it just got worse. He told me how he cannot bear to break his family's heart, that they won't accept me, and how the girl that they are trying to marry him to is so much in love with him, so innocent... and he cannot bear to break her heart or dreams. zuh kowalay shum chay istafrak buh wokrum!
I feel so sick. And then he tells me, well, you can go talk to my dad, but he will break your heart and tell you no. How is this real? I have never met someone so afraid to stand up for their love.

[Pakhtunzai]

I am the worlds biggest idiot, but I have an answer. He said to me, in a text message, none the less...

"I like you, I love you, but I can't marry you. Not now, or in 10 years. I can't marry anyone but an Afghan girl or I'll lose my family. And I won't lose my family."

Sister if someone has so much "love" for you he would go directly to his parents and just ask them..knowing pakhtuns willpower and stubbornness i understand the parents strictness but if he doesn't even try for you where does this relationship stand..like others have said sister you will find a much better pakhtun insha allah. Masha allah you seem like a decent person, you deserve more than this..

Give one last ultimatum like others have suggested and if it is a negative response then just move on from it and be strong..

[MazloomyarMaseed]

Stick with your own Pashtuns. Relationships before Marriages hardly ever work. Regards

[MazloomyarMaseed]

He is taking his family into consideration and its very brave of him. Sorry to say. I am not being cruel or mean but this is reality and he is somebodys son so he must take his family, father and mothers decision very important

[spogmai shaglay]

hi Zahia... i am new here... just went through this thread.... hope everything is fine on ur side..... u have received a lot of advice here and i am 100% sure that u have tried ur best to get the situation in control....i am just going to pray for u that may Allah talla give u all that u desire and all that u deserve... Ameeen....

[Muslimah]

Zahia,
I totally know what you're going through. I am in the same situation - except he told his parents, and the girl they want him to marry, he told her to never talk to him. He is refusing to go back home until they accept, but everyday he is stressed out because his parents are upset with him.
There are 2 types of pashtun men from what I've seen:
1 - the ones that will stand up to their parents, and marry you without their permission or fight really hard to get it. But the problem here is you will be to blame for his family hating him, and really, do you want a marriage that from day 1 creates stress for your husband?
2 - ones who respect their parents so much that they're afraid to even say that you exist. They will marry whoever their parents picked out for them. Live a miserable life, and this is normal. Pashtun marriages aren't love marriages - or very rarely are they. They enter into marriage to please their parents, and complete their duty to their parents, not to find love and happiness. If they're lucky, after being told who to marry, they might be happy with them.

However, unless you have a very open-minded pashtun family when it comes to marriage (which also rarely exists), you're fighting a losing battle.

Even then with my situation, I have my doubts it will work out. I am not pashtun, and as much as I try to be, and as much as I love the culture and would raise my kids Pashtun, my flaw is that my birth certificate does not say Pashtun. It angers me, because I know that the girl that wants to marry him is just fascinated that hes educated and she can get her citizenship to come to North America and become all americanized. He is going to be so angry if he marries her. But, because of the way his parents follow the culture - he doesn't have a say. All that's protecting him right now is the fact that hes on another continent.

[MazloomyarMaseed]

ones who respect their parents so much that they're afraid to even say that you exist. They will marry whoever their parents picked out for them. Live a miserable life, and this is normal. Pashtun marriages aren't love marriages - or very rarely are they. They enter into marriage to please their parents, and complete their duty to their parents, not to find love and happiness. If they're lucky, after being told who to marry, they might be happy with them.


My marriage wasnt arranged, i choose the girl myself and she accepted. What made it work was that she is a Pashtun. When people go out of boundries, that is where conflicts of interests appear.

[Muslimah]

So you're saying when a non-Pashtun is married to a Pashtun, conflicts happen? I wouldn't say boundaries is if someone is from the same culture. I would agree with kunarboy, if they're both Muslim and follow Islam, there are no boundaries being passed.
Islam is a lifestyle, Pashtun peoples lifestyle is to follow Islam. Thats why I naturally feel drawn to pashtuns, because I stick close to my religion, and when I do what Islam asks as a woman 100%, then I find I relate to Pashtun women who also follow their religion. It does go hand in hand. On the other spectrum, my mom is Lebanese, and they're (for the most part and I apologize for stereotyping) more liberal and more into fashion. So to have a pashtun man marry a muslim-lebanese woman, then I can see conflict, because they way they follow Islam is different.

But its closed-minded families that I have been around that do not accept a Muslim because they are not Pashtun or Arab or whatever it may be. What do converts like me do when it comes to marriage? I can't marry a Muslim ever, because they all come from a culture? And I abandoned mine? See..this is where it no makey sensey!

[Pakhtunzai]

So you're saying when a non-Pashtun is married to a Pashtun, conflicts happen? I wouldn't say boundaries is if someone is from the same culture. I would agree with kunarboy, if they're both Muslim and follow Islam, there are no boundaries being passed.
Islam is a lifestyle, Pashtun peoples lifestyle is to follow Islam. Thats why I naturally feel drawn to pashtuns, because I stick close to my religion, and when I do what Islam asks as a woman 100%, then I find I relate to Pashtun women who also follow their religion. It does go hand in hand. On the other spectrum, my mom is Lebanese, and they're (for the most part and I apologize for stereotyping) more liberal and more into fashion. So to have a pashtun man marry a muslim-lebanese woman, then I can see conflict, because they way they follow Islam is different.

But its closed-minded families that I have been around that do not accept a Muslim because they are not Pashtun or Arab or whatever it may be. What do converts like me do when it comes to marriage? I can't marry a Muslim ever, because they all come from a culture? And I abandoned mine? See..this is where it no makey sensey!

Hey sister don't lose hope, there are many muslim families i know where they don't mind marrying people of other cultures and ethnic groups but so long as they were muslim. My parents have said to me that I can marry any girl so long as she is muslimah and a decent person..but its me thats chosen to stick to marrying a pakhtana. I am grateful that they have given me that option, a lot of the westernized muslim families are starting to marry outside now.

[Muslimah]

And so your parents gave you the choice, why is it that you want to marry a Pakhtuna only then? Its your choice I full support it, I am just curious why.

[Pakhtunzai]

And so your parents gave you the choice, why is it that you want to marry a Pakhtuna only then? Its your choice I full support it, I am just curious why.

I don't mind telling you here goes..I am only half/quarter pakhtun bloodwise(paternally) as my greats from both sides were and both parents are first cousins, we have mixed into punjabis for over a century now having settled there(near islamabad)..Over the past couple of years I was fascinated by our people and our history. That is why im learning pakhto now and insha allah getting married after my studies. My entire family are marrying with the natives now and I want to keep the bloodline of my dear forefathers going.

We have been without pakhtunwali and pakhto for quite a long time now so I also want to bring this back.

Also most pakhtuns are masha allah really good people, hardworking, honest and trustworthy and alhumdulillah thats been maintained within us too, why wouldn't I want to marry with pakhtuns

[Pakhtunzai]

^ we are born to selfish egoistic people who barely see beyond themselves. you either fulfill their desires and live a life they would like for you to live or you are doomed to burn in hell if you manage to get out of this one alive.
actually you don't have a choice. they will barbecue you either way.

The entire older generation of my family always got their way no matter what, my mom had to face the wrath of my grandad if she didn't listen to him and having seen that she would never wish to do that to us and shes changed my dad too. So alhumdulillah i'm pretty lucky.

[Shayesta]

On first hand, I would say listen to both your heart and mind. But since you requested for some advice, I can only advice you to tell him to talk to his parents and see what his parents act like. If he truly loves you he will do his level best in convincing his parents, after all he is the one who knows his own parents better and should therefore make his parents understand. Without your help. Usually parents agree to at least see the girl once and only after their reaction I could tell you what could be the best solution for you. All the best though.

[BLS_1919v2.0]

So you're saying when a non-Pashtun is married to a Pashtun, conflicts happen? I wouldn't say boundaries is if someone is from the same culture. I would agree with kunarboy, if they're both Muslim and follow Islam, there are no boundaries being passed.
Islam is a lifestyle, Pashtun peoples lifestyle is to follow Islam. Thats why I naturally feel drawn to pashtuns, because I stick close to my religion, and when I do what Islam asks as a woman 100%, then I find I relate to Pashtun women who also follow their religion. It does go hand in hand. On the other spectrum, my mom is Lebanese, and they're (for the most part and I apologize for stereotyping) more liberal and more into fashion. So to have a pashtun man marry a muslim-lebanese woman, then I can see conflict, because they way they follow Islam is different.

But its closed-minded families that I have been around that do not accept a Muslim because they are not Pashtun or Arab or whatever it may be. What do converts like me do when it comes to marriage? I can't marry a Muslim ever, because they all come from a culture? And I abandoned mine? See..this is where it no makey sensey!

Muslimah I see where you are coming from and I get Maseed's point as well. Eventually it boils down to what the family and person are looking for. There are a lot of people content with the criteria of religion, for others it is tribe/nation culture etc. Inshallah you will find who you are looking for. I can understand it is tough for you in the aforementioned circumstances.

[Muslimah]

I'm just helping Zahia out. I have seen many muslims come to north america (not just pashtuns) who date a girl and then break up with her when its time for marriage. I guess having a boyfriend/girlfriend in Islam is wrong, so if they're willing to break those rules anyway...I don't know if they're the marriage type - right?
Marriage, no matter to whom its with, is sacred between a husband and a wife. He shouldn't be with his wife and comparing her to the other 10 girls hes had previously. That is why Islam doesn't allow boyfriends/girlfriends.
In my situation, he has proposed and got me a ring and spoke to my family and his, but the families on both sides aren't agreeing. I am just giving it time, if not, I know it is not Allahs will. As much as I love Pashtun's, I wouldn't want to marry someone and create stress from the beginning. Because I don't have a mother or father that talk to me anymore, I want to marry someone who has a family that will take me in as a daughter. If I can't have that...then I am not interested - no matter what culture they're from. I just happen to fall in love with the most strict, tight-knit culture in the world. *Lucky me...sigh*