Need some help, what should I do?

[Zahia]

I'm new here to this site and was looking for some help. My name is Zahia, I'm 23 and a student. I am not Pashtun, but I have found myself deeply in love with my friend who is Pashtun. I am Lebanese. Now I am trying to get a grasp on the situation and do what is best for him. He is Muslim, of course; I was raised by a half Muslim, half Christian family. I do speak Pashto, and I do understand some of the culture. I understand how important my friend's family is to him and do not want to make his situation harder than it is, but we are both in love with each other and want to someday get married.
We agree on the fact that our children will be raised Muslim and speaking Pashto and I want to fully take on Islam as my faith. He has taught me so much about it, more than my family and I feel that it is the right choice for me. His mom is ill and both his parents are getting older. He does not want to leave them and I agree. I want to help take care of them.
I guess we just don't know how to approach his family. They do not know about me and have been trying to arrange a marriage for him to an Afghan girl. He is becoming my best friend and I want only what is best for him and his family, because I love him so deeply and could never bear to see him unhappy. I also do not want to lead him into sin or away from his family. Is there any way this could ever work out? What should I do? What should we do? If someone could give me advice, I would be most grateful. . .

[Khushal Khan Khattak]

It is very simple dear sister.

With all your dedication and love for him, anyone can easily see you would do anything for him. What else can one ask from his lady.

You are also willing to follow your'e Islamic roots, live and take care of his parents. Thats is the extreme limit anyone can ask for.

My advice as an honest person who loves both Muslims and Christians:

it is past and beyond going back, both of you or preferably him should tell the whole thing to his parents and ask for their permission to marry.

Dont think beyond this at the moment as it will only make you or him sad.

Just go for it sister.

[Laila]

I'm new here to this site and was looking for some help. My name is Zahia, I'm 23 and a student. I am not Pashtun, but I have found myself deeply in love with my friend who is Pashtun. I am Lebanese. Now I am trying to get a grasp on the situation and do what is best for him. He is Muslim, of course; I was raised by a half Muslim, half Christian family. I do speak Pashto, and I do understand some of the culture. I understand how important my friend's family is to him and do not want to make his situation harder than it is, but we are both in love with each other and want to someday get married.
We agree on the fact that our children will be raised Muslim and speaking Pashto and I want to fully take on Islam as my faith. He has taught me so much about it, more than my family and I feel that it is the right choice for me. His mom is ill and both his parents are getting older. He does not want to leave them and I agree. I want to help take care of them.
I guess we just don't know how to approach his family. They do not know about me and have been trying to arrange a marriage for him to an Afghan girl. He is becoming my best friend and I want only what is best for him and his family, because I love him so deeply and could never bear to see him unhappy. I also do not want to lead him into sin or away from his family. Is there any way this could ever work out? What should I do? What should we do? If someone could give me advice, I would be most grateful. . .

Hello Zahia! nice to meet you dear. Okay, so you want some advice, i will do the best I can do.

So you and your friend are in love. But let me ask, are you 150% sure he 'loves you, and is in love with you?'

Wow you can speak Pashto, thats great, and you are not even Pashtun....good to hear. I love the fact that you two want to get married, and want your children to be good practicing Muslims with strong Pashtun values, that means a lot to us. So with this, you need to prove to his family. Afghans, i have got to be honest, are very stubborn. Especially mixed marriages outside of our nationality. But it works at time, but it is hard to make it work.....i live in Cali and i see plenty of mixed marriages. But it is the way you go about it. You sound like a nice girl, who knows what she wants in life. So you need to prove that to his family...have you ever met them? do you know any of his family memers: sister, brother, cousin, etc. A lot of mixed marriages i have seen, has been approached with a family relative, not the parents, well at first. So what i would say is, go to his family relative, talk it out, with him there. Usually the parents will jump into conclusions and will refuse right away without hearing it out. So if you get one of his relatives to come out and speak with his parents, it makes things somewhat approachable.

Also, make a friendly relationship with his siblings, that helps too. With that, his family would know who you are. You need to show to them that you love their son, that you value Islam and Pashtun lifestyle because i gotta tell you, that is SO important to us, which is why we prefer to marry within us. To keep our faith, culture, traditions, and language going. So you have to show this.

Has your friend approached his family about this? Because he cannot wait, if his family is arranging a girl for him, it may be too late, or it may stir emotions and cause problems with the family.

I totally agree with Khushal......go for it, dont wait around, you may regret waiting.

[Zahia]

He wants to introduce me to his parents soon, but is scared that they will be angry. I know they probably will be at first, because they have been trying to find him a nice Afghan girl to marry. He says they will give him a choice, so I will keep praying.

[Laila]

He wants to introduce me to his parents soon, but is scared that they will be angry. I know they probably will be at first, because they have been trying to find him a nice Afghan girl to marry. He says they will give him a choice, so I will keep praying.

Okay before you meet his parents, he should talk to them first and let them know.

[شمله ور خراساني]

I'm new here to this site and was looking for some help. My name is Zahia, I'm 23 and a student. I am not Pashtun, but I have found myself deeply in love with my friend who is Pashtun. I am Lebanese. Now I am trying to get a grasp on the situation and do what is best for him. He is Muslim, of course; I was raised by a half Muslim, half Christian family. I do speak Pashto, and I do understand some of the culture. I understand how important my friend's family is to him and do not want to make his situation harder than it is, but we are both in love with each other and want to someday get married.
We agree on the fact that our children will be raised Muslim and speaking Pashto and I want to fully take on Islam as my faith. He has taught me so much about it, more than my family and I feel that it is the right choice for me. His mom is ill and both his parents are getting older. He does not want to leave them and I agree. I want to help take care of them.
I guess we just don't know how to approach his family. They do not know about me and have been trying to arrange a marriage for him to an Afghan girl. He is becoming my best friend and I want only what is best for him and his family, because I love him so deeply and could never bear to see him unhappy. I also do not want to lead him into sin or away from his family. Is there any way this could ever work out? What should I do? What should we do? If someone could give me advice, I would be most grateful. . .

Most important thing is that you and he are both Muslims who are serious about your religion.

His parents must accept his choice if you are a decent, Muslim woman of good character.

If however they reject you on any grounds, it would be unjust.

I advice you to tell your Pashtun future husband to ask help and support from a respected elder or an Imam who is close to the his parents.

If you have a respected elder or a Imam who can negotiate for you two to make his parents accept you, it will be better.

[Zahia]

Dear,

Can I ask you a question?

Of course.

[Zahia]

Thank you everyone for your willingness to help. I'll do my best to clarify the situation.

His family is very conservative and they are trying to get him married to an Afghan girl who is in another state. His sister is talking to her. Unfortunately, the only relatives he has here are his parents. The rest of his family (his brother and sisters) are abroad or in another state. He is the youngest and the rest of his siblings are married. He is going to show his parents my picture and talk to them, but we're not sure if this is the best idea. I agree that having someone else talk to them first would be a good idea. As far as us loving each other, thank you for your concern. Too many people mistake other things for love, I agree. He has told me openly that he wants to marry me and keeps rejecting the other girl his family is trying to engage him to.

Kunarboy: Oh, no!! I would NEVER try to hook him up with another girl, it would break my heart. Sorry if I was confusing on that.
My Pashto is actually pretty good. I studied it formally for a year and he and I speak it all the time. I can understand Dari too for the most part, but can't speak it like he can.

Thank you to everyone again for your help and support. It means so much to me.

[Feroza_Banu]

there is only one solution dear... he has to talk to his parents about it that he has chosen a life partner. he has made promises to someone. and she is not afghan. but she is a good religious girl. with lots of respect for me and my family...

[Palwasha]

You've got plenty advice here already, and I really hope you find a solution to your problem iA. However, just thought I'd make a suggestion.. perhaps you should both firstly do Istekhara..

All the best with everything, InshAllah his parents will accept you.

[Palwasha]

Khaney you should post some girly advice.

Every situation is different, I don't particularly know enough of this one to give disticnt advice, and so I wouldn't wanna say the wrong thing. Many others have also already given their advice.
Plus the Islamic advice is good enough. =P

[Master Khan]

When you are in Love then why you scare, go for it.
like they said in Urdu Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya

[Nokia_Apridy]

perhaps you should both firstly do Istekhara.....Khanay dar kha

Ao Master Khana

When you are in Love then why you scare da Forum tola naray guray

da Topic na Kokhakh wakay chay Gup jor nashey

da dwo 2 Kasano Wada da Khu Pukhtu hem must ta wagoray...

Gani zma Blog ka 2 Pukhtanay da Qandhar hagu hem

wada Kray da INDAIN sra wallulay...

[Zahia]

He is from Paktia. I wish I could just run into his mom, but she is sick and does not go out. I am feeling like I am braver in this situation right now than he is because I have less to lose. I will do Istekhara and ask that he does it too. I think that is the best idea. I'm going to ask my Imam to talk to him and his parents as well. I promise I'll keep everyone updated.

[karachipashtun]

He is from Paktia. I wish I could just run into his mom, but she is sick and does not go out. I am feeling like I am braver in this situation right now than he is because I have less to lose. I will do Istekhara and ask that he does it too. I think that is the best idea. I'm going to ask my Imam to talk to him and his parents as well. I promise I'll keep everyone updated.

You better keep us updated =P.

And you better not just leave us, I expect you to be here as much as you can.


however, all he has to do is be straight forward about the situation and tell his Mom how he truly feels about you.


How old is he? How long do you know him for?


How confident are you that he is the one? Are you willing to adopt the Pashtun culture?



Paktiya wala do good Attan, Does he belong to Zazai tribe?





If you learn Attan, they might find it impressive(Its a joke). but no seriously that is the Pashtun war dance.