What does a Pukhtana of today expect from her husband.

[Admin Khan]

Approach it the Islamic way.
Meaning.. formal Maraka and then the girl and the guy get to talk, they get to know each other, they can ask questions and bring up concerns - of course they won't be by themselves during this time but there will be some chaperon. After they talk for a few times they either say yes or no.
As a society, we need to learn that a "no" after that period of time is not horrible.. and much better than a divorce after 7 years and 6 children.

Our parents might or might not understand.. but every single family has policies of their own and it's up to the individual to decide HOW he/she can approach this manner and at least make an attempt to find out what kind of person the girl/boy is.

I agree whole-heartedly but how difficult is it to tell your Pashtun parents, "Za ghwarama che dai jai sara yaw pla khabarey wakama". Pashtun parents are different, if we think about our culture aside from it being conservative its also quite strict.

Lets picture this, A marakah occurs[obviously the guy does not see the girl]and the guy wants to see how the girl looks now lets wish good luck for the guy and his attempt for asking for a picture. I have heard many and I mean many stories that the minute the guy wants to see how she looks its war time. So if this is how our culture works[in a way]How can we set expectations for our women and men?

Don't get me wrong I think the father has all rights to refuse giving her daughters picture. How would it feel If I give Eusuphxai a picture of my daughter and he ends up telling me, "Dera bakshana ghwarama, but I did not like her" There are so many factors of Pashtunwali involved in this, Ghairat, Nang, etc.

I think we should all at times take it with a grain of salt that our culture means a lot to us. We take it very serious, there are certain barriers and unwritten rules that no matter what happens you do not break. Some of our cultural practices are in conflict with Islam hence our lack of successful marriages. At times, The couple learn to synthesize happiness.

[Mayana]

I agree whole-heartedly but how difficult is it to tell your Pashtun parents, "Za ghwarama che dai jai sara yaw pla khabarey wakama". Pashtun parents are different if we think about our culture aside from being conservative is quite strict.

Lets picture this, A marakah occurs[obviously the guy does not see the girl]and the guy wants to see how the girl looks now lets wish good luck for the guy and his attempt for asking for a picture. I have heard many and I mean many stories that the minute the guy wants to see how she looks its war time. So if this is how our culture works[in a way]How can we set expectations for our women and men?

Don't get me wrong I think the father has all rights to refuse giving her daughters picture. How would it feel If I give Eusuphxai a picture of my daughter and him telling me, "Dera bakshana ghwarama, but I did not like her" There are so many factors of Pashtunwali involved in this, Ghairat, Nang, etc.

I think we should all at times take it with a grain of salt that our culture means a lot to us. We take it very serious, there are certain barriers and unwritten rules that no matter what happens you do not break.

That's exactly my point. Don't go do a freakin' Maraka to someone you've never seen in your life.


I've had a random Maraka like that from the most random person. The answer was straight out no. All I knew about the guy was that he was a guy. I swear. I didn't even know where he lives What the hell kind of douchebaggery is that in the first place? Imagine I accepted and imagine I ended up being the most besharma, behaya and beliyaaza girl there is. Senga ba pshemaana sawi way? Au senga ba ye pa khpal Zhwand ki Ghol karri way lol You can't play Russian Roulette with your life like that. You just can't.

I don't know, maybe I come from a family that is too open-minded. But I have expressed my wish to at least talk to the guy and it wasn't really a big deal. I mean how can you expect you daughter to just jump into this kind of fire? It is becoming less and less these days.. You can't possibly expect your child to marry someone YOU yourself don't even know -let alone them - and not even consider all the issues that are bound to arise. And trust me, it is getting less and less, at least in the West. And it will be a very lengthy process to bring these changes into our society but the right approach is the Islamic way.

[Admin Khan]

That's exactly my point. Don't go do a freakin' Maraka to someone you've never seen in your life.

But what do you expect from the newer generations in the west? Not every Pashtun family lives in Flushing or Little Kabul. We have Afghans spread all over the the US and Europe. Who do they go for? These are all important factors in expecting happiness.

I've had a random Maraka like that from the most random person. The answer was straight out no. All I knew about the guy was that he was a guy. I swear. I didn't even know where he lives What the hell kind of douchebaggery is that in the first place? Imagine I accepted and imagine I ended up being the most besharma, behaya and beliyaaza girl there is. Senga ba pshemaana sawi way? Au senga ba ye pa khpal Zhwand ki Ghol karri way lol You can't play Russian Roulette with your life like that. You just can't.

I agree but at times its pressure from the family as well. That is why many never get to experience happiness albeit after a while they end up synthesizing it. "Ha dagha halak kho Engineer dey, mor oh plaar ta ta garda umar sahey lara dar sha wey, weney sa wo warta owaya khuday darsara dey" Isn't that the typical response?

I don't know, maybe I come from a family that is too open-minded.

And Educated for permitting you to gain higher education as opposed to the good old fashioned, "Taleem da shazo dapara haraam dey".

But I have expressed my wish to at least talk to the guy and it wasn't really a big deal. I mean how can you expect you daughter to just jump into this kind of fire? It is becoming less and less these days..

In the west yes, back home I disagree it still occurs. Why? Because of our low literacy rate. Naseeb dey oh naseeb dey. If you end up unhappy they pretty much make you feel like it was your fault for having bad luck. I mean seriously? If the darn girl would have done some prior research before she got into the mess she wouldn't have had ended up with this bad luck now would she?

You can't possibly expect your child to marry someone YOU yourself don't even know -let alone them - and not even consider all the issues that are bound to arise. And trust me, it is getting less and less, at least in the West. And it will be a very lengthy process to bring these changes into our society but the right approach is the Islamic way. [/COLOR]

Correct. Even if they follow Islam properly this issue could be rectified in a timely fashion. However, We have all these high expectations from the opposite sex and we expect our "naseeb" to bring it to us.

[Mayana]

Yeah bro.. I agree man.. back home it's a whole different cup of tea man. I'm not even gonna begin to talk about how bad it is and how wrong on how many levels it is.

But yeah, I was talking about the West. Paydaa kijhi, trust me.
Ok, worst case scenario you live in like.. Idaho, no Afghans around, you do a maraka for someone in Flushing lol, you can still talk to the person, it is still possible to get to know the person. And the arguments that the parents bring are wrong. Just because he's a doctor/engineer and is from a good family does absolutely not make him a good human being AT ALL. The biggest *******s I know are those stereotypical good sons-in-law from a perfect family with a perfect degree in the perfect field (and plucked eyebrows for that matter lol). But yeah that argument is simply not valid and all of us can come up with an example from their family & friends for this hypocrisy.

Other than that.. you just gotta fight. Not for yourself and your happiness - nah that'd be selfish. You gotta fight for your family's happiness and their standing in society. What you are is what they will be judged by by the society. So if you have a miserable marriage and do or do not end up divorced - either way it's gonna be like "Da Planki Zuy kho daghasi behaya Maina lari" "Da Bistani Loor ye kho daghasi koshk Sarri ta oorkarreh da". You need to strive for the best you possibly can achieve - for yourself, your spouse, your children, your parents - and eventually, God.

If that means you need to fight, fight.
If that means you need to go against norms and maxims, go against them.
If that means you need to disagree with parents, disagree with them - for their own good.
If that means you'll get yelled at and cursed, get yelled at and cursed.

And all of this for your own parent's good to prevent them from becoming Gunaakaar.

[Admin Khan]

Yeah bro.. I agree man.. back home it's a whole different cup of tea man. I'm not even gonna begin to talk about how bad it is and how wrong on how many levels it is.

But yeah, I was talking about the West. Paydaa kijhi, trust me.

I trust you, Ma paida kara da

Ok, worst case scenario you live in like.. Idaho, no Afghans around, you do a maraka for someone in Flushing lol, you can still talk to the person, it is still possible to get to know the person. And the arguments that the parents bring are wrong. Just because he's a doctor/engineer and is from a good family does absolutely not make him a good human being AT ALL.

Preach sister.

Other than that.. you just gotta fight. Not for yourself and your happiness - nah that'd be selfish. You gotta fight for your family's happiness and their standing in society. What you are is what they will be judged by by the society. So if you have a miserable marriage and do or do not end up divorced - either way it's gonna be like "Da Planki Zuy kho daghasi behaya Maina lari" "Da Bistani Loor ye kho daghasi koshk Sarri ta oorkarreh da". You need to strive for the best you possibly can achieve - for yourself, your spouse, your children, your parents - and eventually, God.

If that means you need to fight, fight.
If that means you need to go against norms and maxims, go against them.
If that means you need to disagree with parents, disagree with them - for their own good.
If that means you'll get yelled at and cursed, get yelled at and cursed.

And all of this for your own parent's good to prevent them from becoming Gunaakaar.

I agree with everything you said. I appreciate the discussion. Thanks, I certainly learned something from you. I wish you happiness.


-Admin Khan

[Mayana]

The pleasure was all mine, graana wrora! =)

[Shayesta]

Mayana already explained it very beautifully, excellently well done!

Back home there isn't a thing called 'life' for a Pukhtana woman; Unless they are married in an 'open minded' family, which usually falls under Tajiks. First I wasn't much in favour of a love marriage because I always believed that if you love someone too much, then you will keep arguing about smallest things and even though you are fighting out of 'love', that 'love' usually ends up in a divorce. I also used to believe that if you want to marry someone you know well enough then you should just talk for a while with the person your parents choose, and then decide the right or the wrong. Another reason why I used to be worried about love marriages was 'crossing your limits'. It can happen that people in love will think, 'oh, he/she is the person I am going to marry anyway, so what if we start spending nights already!'. But when such relationships fail, the girls end up in being a huge sh*t and even if it doesn't fail and you end up marrying, then there is no guarantee your husband won't taunt during any argument with things like, 'if you could spend time with me before our marriage, then how can I be sure you haven't done the same with anyone else?'. But today, I have completely changed my opinion!

Reasons being; Usually if your parents choose someone for you, that person obviously won't be him-/herself as he/she has got a 'reputation' (or shall I say, their family's reputation) to worry about and obviously that person will get along with you during your 'proposal procedure'. But if you marry someone you love and yet things go wrong, then at least you knew what type of person that person was and you wouldn't be blaming your parents for making a wrong decision, nor your partner for faking the goodness. In a love relationship, you know what to expect in your marriage and you know whether you yourself are ready to live up to the expectations. You won't be disappointed if he turns out to be strict or jealous type, and even if he is of that type, then yet again you knew that.

In other words, I would advise women to expect and accept a partner they truly love and they truly trust, as these two things lead to respected and understanding life. I am not talking about dating around hundreds of people and see which one you like the best. No. But if ever a person comes into your life who shows sincere interest in you (and same goes to you) then get to know that person and hang out as friends, staying within your limits. Your life isn't like any food which shall be thrown away as soon as it's expired; You have decades in front of you and you don't deserve to 'just spend' your life with your husband, but you should live your life with your husband.

[Feroza_Banu]

I got exactly what i wanted. Alhamdulilah.

[Feroza_Banu]

^yes.

[ayub]

^ nobody truly gets what they had hoped for. Come on feroza tell us the truth, what disappinted you? What makes you angry about your 'perfect' mate...eg does he not take the rubbish out when you've asked a dozen times? Is he too strict? Is he too old fashioned?

Spill the beans girlfriend? We wanna know the dirty truth not the sugar coated variety you saying here. Lol.

[eusuphxai]

Feroza are your expecatations truly met?

angaar standing behind her with his AK47 :P

[ayub]

Women only want a rich man and a man who has a whip and erm....a sense of humor. I guess.

[eusuphxai]

Women only want a rich man and a man who has a whip and erm....a sense of humor. I guess.

Get off your ass and see the real world , too much tv internet and movies I guess makes you!

[ayub]

^ it's true that's what Paris Hilton said. What woman want a poor man....nobody. Only fat women who will never find a man will marrya poor man. They have no choice, because of their excess weight disease.

Btw the real world sucks.

[Feroza_Banu]

^ nobody truly gets what they had hoped for. Come on feroza tell us the truth, what disappinted you? What makes you angry about your 'perfect' mate...eg does he not take the rubbish out when you've asked a dozen times? Is he too strict? Is he too old fashioned?

Spill the beans girlfriend? We wanna know the dirty truth not the sugar coated variety you saying here. Lol.

LOL well OK since you asked to be specific... because the idea of perfect mate doesn't exist, for we all are farrrrrr from perfection.

these are the things he doesn't have...

1. he is not a millionair - i had hoped for one LOLLL (kidding)
2. he is not 6 2... i had hoped for one (he is 5 9) haha
3. he can't multi-task (but oh well most men can't)
4. he forgets things easily (like i have to ask him twice for him to do it)
5. the last but the one that makes me go crazy ... he does not eat himself, if iam not there or anyone else there to prepare food for him he will go hungry for days before eating or cooking something.
6. cant think of anything else.