Marriage to non-Pashtuns

[Roshina]

Who would and who wouldn't marry a non-Pukhtun?

I wouldn't but only because I will want my kids to speak Pukhto. So, it's not just the Pukhtun blood that matters to me; he has to speak the language and know the culture well as well. Otherwise, I wouldn't marry him.

And I don't support the belief that children are whatever race their father is. I believe if the child belongs to mixed parents, then he is mixed, and it's unfair of the parents to teach him the culture/language of only ONE parent's and not the other's, too. So I wouldn't prefer a non-Pukhtun not because I'm a woman but because I want my kids to be Pukhtun by blood AND by culture. It'd be too much work teaching them two language and cultures at the same time if their father isn't Pukhtun :D

[Dukemina]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Nope, wouldn't marry a non-Pukhtun cause of the same reasons Que stated!

[Master Khan]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

I am marrying a pashtun anyway so I sorted , But Yeah Marrying non-Pashtun will be a problem if you want you culture and pashto to live on.

[Shamaar]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Before I realised how inevitable it is for identities and people to change, I viewed Pashtuns as the only real people on Earth. It's hard to describe what that means. I guess no one else really mattered.

Now though I feel like people would be fighting a futile battle by restricting themselves to one race. All around me I see Pashtuns intermarrying other people.

Pashtuns always criticise each other for marrying Panjabis or Tajiks, but they somehow see one as better than the other. In my opinion it doesn't matter, people are all the same.

Even if it happens it's no big loss, unless if Islam is sacrificed. Times change, places change, and people change, but Islam shouldn't change.

But I guess if people want to preserve their ancestral language and customs while living in another country, I commend them for doing so.

[Palwasha]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Ooh thanks for creating the thread Qrratu.

As for my answer...I think mixed cultured marriages based on Islam could work, if both committed to the religion rather than their cultures. If not, once the honey moon period is over, the cracks would begin to show - language, food, and sometimes even clothes become a problem.

However saying that, I'd much rather prefer to marry a Pashtun; if they are of the same culture then they already know your way of life and there's more of a chance of sharing particular ideoligies. Also, I'd never marry someone *just* because they were Pashtun, I'm not automatically compatible with every one of 'em, they gotsa possess other qualities too.

To be honest it's not like I have much of a choice anyway. My father, and probably my eldest brother too, wouldn't accept a non-Pashtun as my husband. They may accept someone from the frontier depending on who it is, but a kashmiri, punjabi, and even a Pashtun from Afghanistan are completely out of the question (forget Arab, white or black etc.). I more or less accept that as it's my first choice in a husband anyway and there'd be no point in causing any trouble as such...

My mother however, basis everything on Islam, she wouldn't mind as long as the dude was a pious, practising Muslim. At the same time she says marriages within your own people/culture are the most successful (it was actually proven in a study - that and an age gap of 5 years).

[Dukemina]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

To be honest it's not like I have much of a choice anyway. My father, and probably my eldest brother too, wouldn't accept a non-Pashtun as my husband. They may accept someone from the frontier depending on who it is, but a kashmiri, punjabi, and even a Pashtun from Afghanistan are completely out of the question (forget Arab, white or black etc.). I more or less accept that as it's my first choice in a husband anyway and there'd be no point in causing any trouble as such...

My mother however, basis everything on Islam, she wouldn't mind as long as the dude was a pious, practising Muslim. At the same time she says marriages within your own people/culture are the most successful (it was actually proven in a study - that and an age gap of 5 years).

Really, hats off to your Mum!

My parents don't care who he is as long as he is religous. It's me who puts the condition that he must be Pashtun... :lol:

[Shahwali]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

To be honest it's not like I have much of a choice anyway. My father, and probably my eldest brother too, wouldn't accept a non-Pashtun as my husband. They may accept someone from the frontier depending on who it is, but a kashmiri, punjabi, and even a Pashtun from Afghanistan are completely out of the question (forget Arab, white or black etc.). I more or less accept that as it's my first choice in a husband anyway and there'd be no point in causing any trouble as such...

My mother however, basis everything on Islam, she wouldn't mind as long as the dude was a pious, practising Muslim. At the same time she says marriages within your own people/culture are the most successful (it was actually proven in a study - that and an age gap of 5 years).

Really, hats off to your Mum!

My parents don't care who he is as long as he is religous. It's me who puts the condition that he must be Pashtun... :lol:

So you can tell your Mom find me a Indian, and they will find you an Indian? Obviously he will be a full blown Muslim and etc.

[Dukemina]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Take me seriously when I say - you have NO idea :P

[Shahwali]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

^Tell me.

[Levanaye Zalmaye]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Marrying a non-Pashtun is a BIG NO! They will simply be incompatible. Sorry, but I cant work with someone who I need to teach Pashto and etc.

This is all very easy to say. Until the day you fall in love with a non-Pashtun girl. And then all this nationalism gets relegated to the backseat.

[Levanaye Zalmaye]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

not really, I have messed around with non Pashtun girls, but I keep things clear with them. I aint marrying you.

Having "messed around" and falling in love are two very different things.

[Dukemina]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Wow, a proud player. *sigh*

Shahwali - when I say my parents wouldn't mind a non-pukhtun, that means they don't give where he is from as long as he is religious :P

[Palwasha]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Really, hats off to your Mum!

My parents don't care who he is as long as he is religous. It's me who puts the condition that he must be Pashtun... :lol:

She'd happily do my nikkah to someone more dedicated to their deen.

Wow MashAllah, that's great, your parents are top folks.

[*Mahzala*]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

To be honest it's not like I have much of a choice anyway. My father, and probably my eldest brother too, wouldn't accept a non-Pashtun as my husband. They may accept someone from the frontier depending on who it is, but a kashmiri, punjabi, and even a Pashtun from Afghanistan are completely out of the question (forget Arab, white or black etc.). I more or less accept that as it's my first choice in a husband anyway and there'd be no point in causing any trouble as such...

My mother however, basis everything on Islam, she wouldn't mind as long as the dude was a pious, practising Muslim. At the same time she says marriages within your own people/culture are the most successful (it was actually proven in a study - that and an age gap of 5 years).

Thats a narrow line of choice huh? But, at the end of the day, strong males who have dominated all their lives dont take into consideration what a mother has to say - and that too about her daughter. Well, most at least.

Generally speaking, not a personal hit.

[*Mahzala*]

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

My take on this:

There are points in all our lives (yes, most of us) where we feel our own people are just selfish, culture-focused egoists with no values or care for what their younger generations want. And at that time, we tell ourselves, I am SO not marrying into my own people, if not me, then my children at least will have that choice. Teenage flashbacks, yep. Over the years though, you meet people, you travel, you experience culture, food, traditions and witness the extent to which the Deen is practiced and it all seems too alien. Then you just wish you never let the former thought get into you.

Time and time again I say, that Alhamdulillah, having seen other people, other cultures, I am very thankful to be a Pakhtana, for many many reasons. Pakhto's value in my eyes is obviously another topic, but this story adds to how much our values are worth. I asked my father about going interstate to do my Masters in a course that is not offered here in my city. He thought and said: Bachay, tiga khpel pe zi ke drana da, ke wode khwazawela, no speka shi. Nor hets khabera neda, bas, sta pe paakey au pe izat ke dagh wolagede, no khabera kharapeegi. Sta pe paakey au izat da tola duniya ne arzi. My heart melted at those words, and thought, even though I very strongly desire to do that postgrad course, my father opened my eyes to a lot more and yet again, brought me back to my shoes, to a society who is constantly waiting to point. Why do I say this? Because our immediate, fellow Afghans (Farsiwans) dont have the same values. Let alone being on the path of the Deen etc, far from it. A Farsiwan girl I know once told me she thought of her brother as *the* best in the world. Upon asking her why, she said, because he is understanding in the sense that he took me out to a nightclub when I was 'of age' so that I feel safer, had I gone with someone else. Get my drift?

So, I would want these same things, effortlessly passed on to my children without me having to stress about them 'adopting' something else (yes, something). But, if one did care so much about loss of culture, language etc, would they really marry into another race of people? Well, emotions sometimes do overtake us...but Khair. Personally, with time, I have come to realise its *got* to be into a Pakhtun family. And I say this because I know my weaknesses and strengths. Being the youngest in the family - I havent dared to bring up the topic of cross-cultural marriages, though there was a time when I was very for them. So that leaves me clueless about my family's views. My extended famly has had quite a few of the kind, but, theyre extended right?

Again, it depends on what you base your marriage on as well. Deen is number one, but things like language carry equal value in a relationship, as it is through communication that one can teach and pass on things to others, and if our languages are different, clearly, it becomes difficult. In a relationship, at least ones major characteristics should have a common ground. That, then, opens the path to other things. And talking of failure and success in marriage using others as an example shouldnt be the reason we stop ourselves from doing things. Every individual is different, better or weaker than the other, it all comes down to that too.

And, we usually go on about things like this, but were unaware of what destiny has in store. Destiny... *sigh*