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**Laila** · 03-14-2010, 04:34 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Last night i came back from close families engagement party. The bride to be is from Wardak, and the groom to be is Indian Muslim....they make a cute couple. But there was a barrier of culture amongst the family. The brides father did not look too happy, he was so quite throughout the night, but he tried to make the best of it.

I would not/will not marry a non-Pukhtoon, thats my preference. I am trying to get back to my native language and culture, so why lose something that i cherish the most.

**Palwasha** · 03-14-2010, 04:49 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Originally posted by *Mesbah*

Thats a narrow line of choice huh? But, at the end of the day, strong males who have dominated all their lives dont take into consideration what a mother has to say - and that too about her daughter. Well, most at least.

Generally speaking, not a personal hit.

Yes, a narrow line indeed, but Alhamdolilah, to a certain extent I understand why.

In my particular case, it's coz they'll want the rishta to be from a family who they know and trust, not someone ghair like a stranger. That way they'd know what to expect, as in how he would treat me, what their family are like or if they are honourable, decent and respectable people.

Tradition and culture is more in some than in others.

When it comes to marriage my moray has the most authority anyway, so it'll mainly be her decision.

Mesbah janay, would you not prefer a Pashtun from Afghanistan rather than Pak...or even someone from Kunar?

**Master Khan** · 03-14-2010, 05:08 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Originally posted by Ms.FutureDoctor

Last night i came back from close families engagement party. The bride to be is from Wardak, and the groom to be is Indian Muslim....they make a cute couple. But there was a barrier of culture amongst the family. The brides father did not look too happy, he was so quite throughout the night, but he tried to make the best of it.

I would not/will not marry a non-Pukhtoon, thats my preference. I am trying to get back to my native language and culture, so why lose something that i cherish the most.

I would and never will mix with indians!!

**Roshina** · 03-14-2010, 07:15 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Originally posted by tor_khan

Who actually transmits the language - mother or father?

Yes, it depends on who the child spends most time with. If it's with the mother -- and, speaking in general terms, we know most children are raised more *directly* by their mothers than by their fathers -- then the child is bound to adopt the language, culture, *and* religious/personal views of the mother. With your thought that: "Zma da Pukhto sara dera mina da, so I only wanted a Pashtoon wife because I knew I wanted my children to speak Pashto (figuring that my brother's kids couldn't learn Pashto from their non-Pashtoon mother)," you wouldn't hesitate to agree.

Still, some people, particularly Muslims who don't believe women are allowed to marry non-Muslim men, argue that the father is more dominant in the family and the children (supposedly) take the ideas, culture/language, and religion of the father. I almost completely disagree with this view, and my experiences with and observations of friends who are raised by a non-Muslim Father and a Muslim mother (and non-Muslim mother and Muslim father) and also those who are raised by parents who don't belong to the same culture and don't speak the same language, I have to conclude that the mother plays a bigger role in shaping the children's beliefs and language/culture.

However, it's not just the mother or father; it's everyone around as well. (As you said, "For about 5-6 years, I constantly spoke Pashto with my brother's kids to keep their heritage alive, but it wasn't just down to one speaker!") Both of your parents might speak the same language and practice the same religion and tradition, but if you spend more time around those who don't share your parents' beliefs/language, then you're most likely to adopt the other people's beliefs instead of your parents'.

The strength and weakness of the parents'/family's belief and cultural system are equally important: If the parents try HARD enough to instill their religious views and native language in their children's brain from as early an age as possible, the children have more chances of keeping up with their cultural and other beliefs. I know of Pukhtuns who were born in non-Pukhtun communities and were raised all their lives there, but they are fluent in Pukhto not only speaking-wise but reading- and writing-wise as well! How impressive is that?! This, they tell me, is because their parents and grandparents practically forbade them (and still do) from speaking in a language other than Pukhto at home. When I was in middle school, I had a Vietnamese friend who was born and raised in the U.S., and she NEVER spoke in English with her Vietnamese friends. I once asked her about this ('cause I used to long to be able to speak Pukhto or Urdu with anyone at school, but we didn't have any such speakers, damnit), and she said, "I'm not allowed to speak English at home; only Vietnamese."

At that time, I coudln't commend her mother for her love for her language, but now ... wow!

Unfortunately, there are some Pukhtun families here who have recently immigrated to the U.S. and don't allow their children to talk in Pukhto *just because* their mother wants to learn English from them! Little do they seem to realize, it'll take a shorter amount of time for the mother to take a couple of ESL (English speakers of other Languages) classes than it would for her to learn from their children at home.

I'm starting to think we need a convenient medium for Pukhtun women who want (actually NEED) to learn English. Maybe those of us us know how both English and Pukhto can help teach them ... so that they don't have to contribute to the loss of Pukhto by forcing their kids to speak English at home!

**Palwasha** · 03-14-2010, 07:20 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

^^^ My dad would have a heart attack if I married an Indian.

Originally posted by Qrratugai

OMG! Mine, toooooooooo! Heck, mine wouldn't even let me marry a NON-SWATI :D Oh wait, lemme narrow that further: He has to be from particular villages *near my village(s)* in order for my parents to accept him!
Non-Pukhtuns are purely out of choice from my parents, but it's a good thing I myself don't want a non-Pukhtun. haha.

Dudeeeeee! My dad's the same, thank God my mum isn't. If dad had it his way, I'd marry into his side of the family... :?

Our men find it hard to let go of their women kana.

**Laila** · 03-14-2010, 07:36 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

^^ My father would go lunatic if i decided to come home one day and say i will marry an Indian man (even if he was Muslim). If he is not Pashtun, he is out of the picture.

But my father is very picky for me. If he is not Laghmani, Nangarhari, Kunary, or even Kandahari, he will be very stubborn in accepting him. He may not even budge. Though i prefer those areas just because we most likely have a family core.

But i hate the fact that though Pashtuns on both side of the Durand line accept one another; however, when it comes to marriage its a total different story. They guy/girl can even be from the same tribe, but still it raises eyebrows. I know for sure Afghans are like that, i am not too sure about Pashtuns from Pakistan. What are your views on that?

**Roshina** · 03-14-2010, 10:19 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns

Originally posted by Khaney

Our men find it hard to let go of their women kana.

lol... yes, and it can be QUITE frustrating some times

It makes you feel like you're not smart enough to make your own decisions or do anything, ANYTHING, on your own at times, you know? And that those who make your decisions FOR you are always righ, or that you're prone to making more mistakes than they are ... or something. Gosh. 8-)

**Roshina** · 03-14-2010, 11:44 PM

Re: Marriage to non-Pashtuns