Salaams, help and advice brothers and sisters

[DaZahroJaam.]

[Tiger Khan]

Hello, i am new here, but Salam to everyone and welcome to me

[Catya Sher]

Welcome to Tiger Khan.
[Similar name to mine, actually.]
I hope Rising Sun sees this and returns to tell us
how she is handling the probably big, big letdown.

Hope you are well, Rising Sun, take care of your health
with extra effort to counterract the stress by all this upheaval
and lots of emotion, which gets draining.

Try to take Magnesium before sleep to sleep well.
So you don't wake up pondering this matter and
can't get back to sleep ; then your work day suffers.
Magnesium is in almonds and sesame, too, I think.

Take Calcium in the morning to balance that.
My advice based on experience with upheavals !

[RisingSun]

Thank you Catya

Dear Catya,

Firstly, many many many thanks for your kind words and thought in to both your responses that i've only seen this morning.

Admittedly since I found out everything I did and hearing some of the comments on the forum whilst I was reaching out, it was a very difficult time for me and I needed to seriously think about my life and the direction it could take.

To update you, I ended up finishing the relationship off with the person, who I would describe as the love of my life for two reasons.

1) I don't agree with Polygany in principal, though it is permitted in the Quran there are serious guidelines for this that should be adhered too. I could not see Polygany as an Islamic solution to our situation. Although have a great respect and admiration for women who enter in these relationships - I could not. My concern was resenting the relationship at a later stage in life, which wouldn't be fair to either of us.

2) It is my belief that only a woman knows what another woman is capable of feeling. It would not be fair to hurt this other woman, who has waited for the man that I am still in love with. She doesn't know what has happened or the relationship between me and this man. All she knows is, that she has to marry him. How would she feel if she knew? It's very sad for her also.

In the end I decided it was better to end the relationship.

1) he is doing something for his parents, to save their honour, to obey them, to save this other girl's life, based on what he says no one else will marry her, and finally to avoid family feuds.
I cannot to argue with this and nor would I separate any human being from their family for my selfish reasons. I am just not like that. In my life I only have my mum and she is the most important person to me. I have no one else. If someone told me never see my mum I could not take that. I simply won't demand the same of someone else.

2) Eventually I broke down and cried and shared this with my mum. I asked her, "Mum was this the life meant for me, is this why you bore me, raised me looked after me"? "is this all I am good for?" My mum said something very nice to me. She said "daughter, how do you not know, the number of Allahs' blessings that have been showered on you to save another woman's respect, honour and home."

She is right.

The sad part is, there is a hole in my heart, this man is still telling me he loves me and wants to marry me. We have both broken down and cried my heart twists in pain to see him so sad. We hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. The sad thing is even our Prophet loved and believed that two people should be together for the right reasons. He loved his wives and there are many stories that indicate this.
However, who knows what will happen next.
At the moment there is just emptiness.

Thank you for all your kind words and care.
It has meant more to me than you will know.

Jazak'allah

Azia

Rising Sun,

The good members here have given really good perspective.
Don't pay attn to DZJ - it means "Poison well" and she has sometimes
nasty things to say to all of us !
It is not directed to you at all.
There is no way for YOU to know that, just arriving here.

We all are supporting you, because this is a terribly tough time.

Let us know what happened Sunday but be SURE to stand your ground and don't waver.
You deserve the BEST treatment from him, and if he doesn't exhibit this,
then he really wouldn't work anyway for you.

I also feel a little hesitation about your managerial position versus
his occupation in a trade, though in theory it should not matter.

But in the long term, would this cause tension between you two
let's say he abandons her, the Hangu forced fiancee,
and agrees to marry you and stay there in London.

I just want to be sure of that side, too, even without all the
other part. I have a bad feeling that you would end up being
the bread earner and he might leech off of you.

What do you think ? You know him, but none of the commentators here, have
ever seen him.

You sound strong and determined, and of noble character.
His character sounds a little waffly.
Shamlawar was saying the same thing above.

That scares ME, on your behalf.

I think you need an equally strong-charactered and equally capable man.
It's better to wait for HIM than
to succumb to the - totally understandable - pressure
of your Mom to marry.
She wants to see her grandchildren naturally, soon.
But you have to make this decision RIGHT.
Better to hold off and also consider meeting another guy who
is as FIRM-minded as yourself.

It isn't easy, but don't "settle" for any old guy that the family
drums up. That will be the wrong one for sure.

[Catya Sher]

Ah ! Good to hear from you, Rising Sun !
I have been WONDERING all this time !!!
I always remembered your story in the back of my mind.
It is VERY tricky situation.

I think you did a superb thing in putting others' happiness
before your own.
And your mother is so wise to [I think ?] say that Allah wil
give YOU extra blessings for having been unselfish
and done the RIGHT thing.

it's true : of course the woman in Bannu would be horrified
if she had any idea that her prospective husband is actually
emotionally involved with a woman for 4 years now !

I think he actually should NOT tell her about this because
that image will be engraved in her mind for the rest of her life.
She will think to herself "I am not good enough for this man,
and he is looking down at me - or - comparing me with Azia"

She will imagine the worst, too, that you are sophisticated and
intelligent and accomplished whereas she is uneducated probably
and not aware of the world.

So she would feel bad about herself - and it's difficult to erase
such a powerful negative impression once made.

What about telling this guy that it's better for him and her
to not spill the beans [thinking to be honest but backfiring].

To be continued