Like a Garment by Yasir Qadhi (Full Series)

[*Mahzala*]

Language of Love

Love has many languages. By this, we mean that there are different ways that people express love and recognize it. Many times, the way that a person expresses love is not the same way that their partner wants to hear it.

Imagine, if you will, two people who are speaking different languages to one another – say, Chinese and Swahili. Even though one of them might be saying ‘I love you’ in her language, the other person simply has no clue that this is a message of love. They are not communicating in the same wavelength.

Many times, a person feels unloved by his or her spouse because the expected language to hear that love never materializes. Yet, if the spouse were asked about his or her feelings, it would become clear that true love does actually exist. It’s just a matter of not communicating the feeling of love properly to the other party.

For example, some people express their love by wanting to spend quality time with their beloved. This is generally more common amongst women. If a wife does not get to spend quality time with her husband, she might feel unloved, even if he is showing his love to her in other ways (by spending his money on her, for example). On the other hand, other people express love by physical acts, such as kissing and sexual activity. This is more common amongst men. When a man regularly approaches his wife, he is showing that he loves her. Yet, the wife is not ‘hearing’ this love because in her vocabulary, love must be expressed in a different language – that of time. Unless and until she sees this aspect, she will find it difficult to understand that her husband loves her.

Another language of love is helping the one whom you love. A wife might show her love for her husband by taking care of his daily needs and household chores. But it is possible that the husband does not hear this love, because he is not tuned into this language! Rather, he might be expecting it in different ways. Therefore, all of the acts of devotion and dedication that the wife shows to her husband are simply ‘tuned out’, like a foreign language, because that is not what he wants to hear to confirm his wife’s love for him.

By understanding the different ways that people show love, each spouse can better appreciate the languages of love that his or her spouse speaks. Many people unknowingly speak more than one language of love – however, until the other partner learns to listen to and recognize that language, all of these beautiful expressions of love will be lost and evaporate into thin air.

[*Mahzala*]

Dealing with Stress

In our previous emails, we mentioned some of the differences between men and women. One major difference is the way that men and women handle stress. This is especially manifested when an argument occurs.

Frivolous arguments are inevitable in any marriage – whether it’s to do with who does what chores, or not living up to an expectation, or making a comment that was deemed inconsiderate. When two people are living together, friction is simply unavoidable. However, the way one spouse deals with stress can sometimes compound the problem, and propel a trivial dispute into a serious argument. Having an understanding of the way men and women deal with stress helps to alleviate some of the pain.

Men generally deal with stress by thinking through the problem – by withdrawing into an imaginary bubble (some have called it a ‘cave’) and having some silent time to reason through the issues. Women on the other hand, want to talk through the problem with someone and reach a solution via communication.

If a petty argument occurs, typically the woman wishes to communicate her feelings in an expressive manner, which irritates the man and causes him to leave the room. This is a recipe for disaster. Whatever issue the couple was arguing about becomes secondary. What goes through the woman’s mind is “I can’t believe he left me in this state! I’m trying to solve the problem with him and he just walks away!” The man, on the other hand, thinks to himself: “I can’t believe she got so emotional. I need to leave this stressful area, calm down, and think things through!”

During a heated argument, the last thing a man wants to do is talk about the issue. And the last thing a woman wants to do is not talk about the issue. So what is the solution, as both want opposite things?

Men need to understand that when they walk away to be alone, the woman feels that he is acting heartless and therefore doesn’t love her anymore. To her, communication equates to love. The time that he is silent and alone is the most painful time for a woman.

Women need to understand that if a man stops talking and leaves, it just means he needs time to himself to think things through. It does not mean he doesn’t love her or doesn’t care; in fact, if he didn’t care he would not be stressed and would not need to think things through! For a man, staying and talking about things will make it worse and cause him more stress.

Such scenarios can be dealt with by each spouse communicating his or her needs. The husband tells his wife that he wants some time to think things through, that insha Allah the two of them will work things out, but he can’t concentrate on a solution when she is so emotional. The wife, in turn, understands that his wanting to ‘withdraw’ is his way of trying to solve the problem, and asks for a time when the two will later talk over the issue. This way, the man gets his space, and the woman knows that she will get to a conclusion.

Of course, throughout all difficult situations, Muslim couples should always turn to Allah and ask Allah to make their affairs easy for them. Remember that duaa solves all problems if done properly! And remember what Allah has promised in the Quran to couples who have a serious argument, and yet they are sincere in trying to reconcile and take all the proper steps: “…if the both of them truly desire reconciliation, Allah will bring about a reconciliation between them” [Nisaa; 35].

[*Mahzala*]

Foreplay

The most common complaint amongst men is that their wives are not as interested in sexual intimacy as the men are. And likewise, the most common complaint amongst women is that their husbands are just interested in sex and only come close to them for one purpose.

One of the primary reasons for this disparity is the issue of sexual arousal.

A man’s arousal is like a microwave: it can be turned on instantly. A woman’s arousal, on the other hand, is like an oven: it slowly and gradually heats up over time. This is why when a husband approaches his wife, he is already turned on and aroused. He seeks instant gratification. He mistakenly assumes that his wife will get aroused as instantaneously as he does, and gets frustrated when she doesn’t respond to him the way that he wants.

Conversely, a woman feels frustrated that her husband wishes her to ‘perform’ on demand, without her emotional or physical needs being addressed first.

Men must be more sensitive to a woman’s needs, and understand that for a woman to start her arousal oven, she needs to feel loved, cherished, and beautiful. She needs to feel emotionally satisfied, otherwise she will feel like the man is just taking advantage of the fact that she is his wife and must obey. The most intimate act of marriage, that of sex, will become a chore for her that she dreads instead of enjoys. It is a husband’s responsibility to make sure that he has addressed the emotional needs of his wife before he approaches her. The best way a man can do this is through romance, non-sexual touching and helping her deal with the stresses of daily life (all of which we have discussed in the last few emails).

Men need sex to feel loved and appreciated. When a man approaches his wife, he is showing that he loves her. This is why when a wife does the act unwillingly, with little excitement, and treats it like a chore, the man feels rejected.

In turn, women need to understand that romance is something that does not come naturally to men, as men don’t need romance to be aroused or feel loved. Women need to be patient and continually try to explain this to their partners.

In conclusion, both men and women need to understand the differences in the mechanisms of arousal, and be sensitive towards each other’s needs. A man needs to try and be more attentive beforehand as this is vital for a woman’s enjoyment. The woman needs to understand that a man’s arousal is instant and for him intimacy equals love, so intimacy needs to be a priority on her list.

[*Mahzala*]

Three C's: Confidence, Communication and Creativity

The act of intimacy is the single most private and personal moment that a husband and wife share together. A good sexual life helps couples come closer together in love, and allows each spouse to overlook the more trivial problems in a marriage. Conversely, when bedroom intimacy suffers, other problems in a marriage are compounded and more tensions develop.

Couples should be aware of the ‘Three Basic C’s’ that lead to healthy and happy intimacy. These C’s are:

1) Confidence. In order to enjoy healthy intimacy, both partners need to be confident in themselves, and not distracted by insecurities. Most times, such insecurities are self-induced (for example, a woman might be too conscious of her body and feel that her husband will not find her attractive). Sometimes, however, they might be induced by a comment made by a spouse (for example, a husband might be worried about not being able to give his partner what she wants). Each partner must work to resolve any personal issues so that one’s full attention can be given to the act itself. Until such issues are resolved, the spouse will simply be too self-conscious and insecure to achieve ultimate happiness in intimacy.

2) Communication. It is inevitable that issues will arise regarding the act of intimacy. Perhaps the husband is not gentle in some aspect; perhaps the wife wishes a longer foreplay. Whatever the issue is, the other spouse will not be able to read the mind of the first spouse! Rather, there must be frank communication if it is desired that the act of intimacy reach its full potential. Such communication must be based on positive reinforcement rather than negative criticism. It is very easy to bruise a spouse’s ego and hurt his or her feelings if one is critical. One should phrase all such suggestions in a positive manner. Instead of saying, “It’s really frustrating when you spend so little time kissing me,” one can say, “I would really enjoy it more if you spent more time being romantic beforehand.” Such positive reinforcement will far more likely bring out the best in one’s spouse.

3) Creativity. No matter how passionate a couple is, after years of marriage, it is likely that even this intimate act becomes routine. The couple eventually evolve into well-defined habits, and know exactly what to do and when to do it. Such a ‘routine’ has the negative aspect of making intimacy monotonous. And when intimacy becomes monotonous, it ceases to serve the function that it should. This is where creativity comes into play. Couples should learn to change routines, vary positions, or alter environments. This is one of the main reasons why taking a vacation with your spouse is a key factor in spicing up the relationship.

Most books written on the topic of sexuality in the West concentrate on the different types of positions that a couple can engage in. While this aspect is important, there is far more to healthy intimacy than the physical position, as our previous emails have shown. Additionally, going into explicit details regarding this topic is not appropriate in front of a general audience. However, this does not mean that we should remain silent on the issue: some basic fiqh guidelines need to be clearly delineated (and there are many such issues that arise amongst Muslims living in Western lands), and couples should learn, in a halal manner, facts that will help spice up their marriage.

[*Mahzala*]

Conclusion and Final Advice

Alhamdulillah you've stayed with us throughout this entire course! I sincerely hope that you benefited from this series and pray that you are able to implement some of what you learned in order to find happiness within your marriages.

One last advice: remember that sexual intimacy is one of the best ways to overcome everyday marital disputes. It acts as a soothing factor that eases the tension and conflict that inevitably builds up between partners. It strengthens feelings of love and cements bonds of affection.

Therefore, sex should be used to mend bridges and make up after arguments. Even if there is an enormous amount of emotional baggage, and the couple has still not resolved an argument, if one spouse approaches the other tenderly, wanting some affection and romance, it is in the best interest of the marriage that the other partner swallows his/her pride and accept this invitation for intimacy. What this invitation shows is the underlying love; it indicates wanting to be accepted again by the other spouse.

For sure, the act of intimacy will not necessarily solve the issue at hand. It might possibly do so, if the argument was over something extremely petty (as most marital arguments are). However, if a specific, repeated issue or existent attitude sparked the argument, simply being intimate will not get rid of the problem. The actual problem can only be resolved by mutual discussion. What intimacy will do, however, is break the tension, and allow feelings of anger to subside to a great degree - enough to jumpstart a positive, healthy discussion.

Remember that even as a husband and wife have an argument, deep down inside the two of them do love each other. They have a special bond that no one else can possibly share with them, and have been intimate in a way that only a couple can. Therefore, when a husband or wife reaches out to be intimate after a bad argument, he or she is showing how much they care about that special bond, and that they don't want anything to get in between the two of them. In the marriage relationship, nothing is more powerful than healthy intimacy to resurrect feelings of love and compassion.

In the very same verse that Allah describes our spouses '...like a garment' unto us (Sura al-Baqara; 287), Allah commands us in the next phrase: '...so therefore, now embrace them (i.e., your spouses), and seek what Allah has written for you'. Most commentators of the Quran have interpreted the phrase '...seek what Allah has written for you' as being a reference to sexual pleasures and to the blessing of children that follows. Therefore, Allah wants us to obtain these pleasures, and reminds us to thank Him for it.

Let us conclude as we began: with the famous hadith of Jabir b. Abdillah. Remember that our beloved Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam actually wanted Jabir to find pleasure with his wife, and he also wanted her to find pleasure with him ('...so that you can play with her, and she can play with you'). Embrace this beautiful aspect of our religion, appreciate the harmony of our faith with our human nature, and rejoice in Allah's blessings upon you.

[*Mahzala*]

If you want to share it around, or keep a copy, I have made PDF files of the entire email series. Find the links below:

Like a Garment Email Series 1-10: http://www.4shared.com/document/Bh9u...ies__1-10.html
Like a Garment Email Series 11-20: http://www.4shared.com/document/7jOh...ies_11-20.html

With that I conclude this thread. If you have anything to add, please do not hesitate as, undoubtedly we are required to have hayaa in our lives, but not at the cost of knowledge. I hope this share has been of some benefit to you.

[Dukemina]

JazakAllahKhair Mahzala

[*Mahzala*]

Wa iyyakum Dukemina