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***Mahzala*** · 05-24-2010, 12:38 PM

In our last e-mail, we mentioned the famous hadith of Jabir b. Abdillah, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam asked Jabir if he had married a young girl, "...so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh."

The famous commentator of Sahih al-Bukhari, al-Hafidh Ibn Hajr, mentioned that this hadith also occurs with other wordings as well. In one authentic version, the hadith states, after Jabir mentioned that he had married an older lady, "Why did you turn away from a young girl and her saliva?"

Benefits:

Once again, we are struck with the frankness of the prophetic words. Clearly, the words 'playfulness' and 'laughter' indicate that what is being encouraged is the couple's romance, foreplay, and generally 'having fun' with one other. It would do us well to contrast this straightforwardness of our Prophet with the ultra-reserved Muslim culture that we find around us, where 'love' and 'romance' are considered filthy words that should never be uttered in public!
This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu ' alayhi wa sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and noble of ways. Some of these hadiths will be mentioned in our future correspondence.
The variant wording that occurs (which mentions the saliva of a young girl) is explained by Ibn Hajr and al-Qurtubi as a reference to kissing the lips and licking the tongue. In other words, what is being referenced is passionate kissing - the perfect foreplay!
The Islamic attitude towards sex is completely at odds with those of many Christian thinkers. St. Augustine (d. 430), who is perhaps the single most influential theologian of early Christianity, viewed sexual desire as something foul to be guilty and ashamed of. His writings had a profound impact on all future Christian notions of sex (and were also used to justify the prohibition of priests getting married). That is why, to this day, even many non-religious Christians are baffled by Islam's attitude towards sex. It is mainly due to such notions that Islam has been viewed by many Westerners as being a 'licentious' religion. Such hadiths like this one of Jabir are mocked and ridiculed (one website comments, "How can a prophet of God command his followers to enjoy their wives?"). This shock stems from the basic Augustinian notion of sex being inherently evil. We must be aware of these psychological underpinnings when discussing Islam with others. For us as Muslims, sexual desire in and of itself is never associated with evil; it is only the misuse and abuse of such desire that is evil. Rather, sex is quite clearly implied in the Quran as being a blessing from Allah, to be thoroughly enjoyed between spouses. We'll mention some of these verses in our future correspondence.

We shall continue explaining the hadith of Jabir in the following emails.

***Mahzala*** · 05-25-2010, 02:19 PM

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir, in which the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam encouraged Jabir to marry a young girl of his age so that the two of them could make each other happy. In today's e-mail, we shall mention the final phrase of this hadith that is relevant to us, which is:

Jabir said, "So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me, 'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.' Then he said to me, 'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"
[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam did not want Jabir to surprise his wife. At a time when there were no cell phones or other means of informing the family when a traveler would return, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam would send a crier into the city, announcing that the caravan was returning. Hence, he told Jabir to wait for this crier before proceeding into the city.
We learn that spouses should physically beautify themselves for one another. Combing the hair is but one way to beautify; anything that increases the beauty and handsomeness of one spouse in front of the other is something to be encouraged. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam told the impatient Jabir that it was better for him to delay his arrival in order that his wife prepare herself for him.
The explicit command to shave the pubes is an amazing phrase! We all know that a part of our Islamic tradition is that one must shave one's pubes; in this hadith, this command is put in the context of the sexual act. In other words, the husband is told to be patient so that his wife may beautify her private area in order to increase the aesthetic pleasure and gratification of sex. A husband and wife should make sure that even around their private areas, they look attractive to each other!
Again and again, we see the frankness of the prophetic traditions, and the encouragement to enjoy intimacy in marriage. Contrast this to the ultra-conservative attitudes predominant in many Muslim cultures. It is as if some Muslims wish to be 'more strict' than the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself!

We have one more email remaining regarding this hadith of Jabir, after which we shall move on to other matters. Stay with us!

***Mahzala*** · 05-26-2010, 09:13 AM

Hadith of Jaabir: Part 4 (last part)

We are still discussing the famous hadith of Jabir. In our last email, we mentioned the concluding part of the hadith that is relevant to us:

Jabir said, "So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said to me, 'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.' Then he said to me, 'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'"
[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].

Benefits:

The last phrase of the hadith is translated as '...then be wise and gentle'. The Arabic is 'fa-l-kayyis al-kayyis', which is an emphasis on this word. The word 'kayyis' primarily means wisdom, but it also has the connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his wife in a gentle and wise manner.
The fact that the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam is instructing Jabir what to do at this time shows that he instructed his Ummah even about such personal matters. In one hadith, which deals with the etiquette of the restroom, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam said, "I am to you like a father, and I teach you like a father does..." [Reported by Abu Dawud]. Since Jabir did not have any older brothers, and since his father had passed away, the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam took on this responsibility, and even advised him about sexual conduct. From this, we may extrapolate that people of knowledge should likewise not be shy when it comes to teaching Muslims conjugal etiquette when the need arises.
Imam al-Bukhari, Ibn Khuzayma, and Ibn Hibban all narrated this wording, and they all understood the reference here to be an indirect reference to the act of intimacy. Once again, the wording is frank without being vulgar.
What is meant by 'al-kayyis' is that Jabir should act in a wise manner; he has been gone for some time, and is newly married. Therefore, both parties are missing each other, and it is a sign of wisdom that they gratify themselves and do not delay this unnecessarily. Also, there is a connotation of gentleness as well; Jabir should realize that he is a young man, and therefore he should not act in a manner that might be painful to his wife.

The hadith of Jabir has many other benefits in other areas of fiqh. However, for our purposes, this is the last of our installments regarding this beautiful hadith and how we can benefit from it in the context of Islamic sexuality.

In a future course on this topic, I shall elaborate on this hadith once again. Next, we turn our attention to other references to this topic in our tradition. Stay tuned!

***Mahzala*** · 05-28-2010, 01:50 AM

Marital Bliss is a Goal of Shari'ah

In our previous correspondence, we mentioned the famous hadith of Jabir and derived many benefits from it. There are many other traditions that state the importance of finding conjugal happiness within the folds of marriage. The Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam himself said, "From this world, women and perfume have been made beloved to me, but the coolness of my eyes comes from prayer" [al-Bukhari]. In one hadith we learn, "This whole world is an enjoyment, and its best enjoyment is a righteous wife" [Muslim]. Another hadith states "I advise you to marry young women, for they have sweeter lips...and are more passionate in their embrace" [Reported by Ibn Majah, al-Tabarani, and others, and it is hasan]. And finally, we are advised in the traditions, "If one of you approaches his wife, and then wishes to repeat, let him do wudhu, for it will make the recurrence more energetic" [Abu Dawud].

Benefits:

In all of these hadiths, we see once again the clear encouragement to engage in passionate and fulfilling intimate relations with one's spouse.
Even the blessed Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam found comfort in his wives, but the comfort that prayer and turning to Allah gave him was obviously the most sweet and pure.
In another hadith, the Companion is told that a woman of his age would be better because her passion would be more. Better kissing is explicitly mentioned, and more passionate sex is hinted at.
A righteous wife (and, by analogy, a good husband) is the best enjoyment of this world. Pure, halal, encouraged enjoyment.
The frank advice given in the last tradition makes it crystal clear that we should aim to have passionate sex lives. No less a figure than our beloved Prophet informed us of ways to increase that passion. Washing oneself after a first act invigorates the body and rejuvenates the soul, and thus helps in repeating the act again.
In this last tradition, one method of increasing passion is mentioned. This shows that other methods may also be studied and taught.
Notice that while the message is crystal clear in each and every one of these traditions, never is the wording vulgar, nor is the language crude. Similarly, we should be frank in our teachings, but there is no need to employ unbefitting language.

***Mahzala*** · 05-28-2010, 11:14 PM

Intimacy in the Quran

The Quran frequently references sexual activity. In dozens of verses, Allah mentions the process of creation. In one verse, the Quran says: "Let man see what he has been created from. He has been created from a liquid that is spurt out (i.e., ejaculated), which proceeded from between the backbones and the ribs" [Surah al-Tariq; 5-7]. Many commentators stated that the reference to '...between the backbones and ribs' is to a common sexual position, and the backbone is that of the man and the ribs that of the women. And Allah says, "Your women are your field, so come to them as and when you please" [Surah al-Baqara; 223] Ata (d. 103 AH), the famous Successor, said that whenever he would recite the Quran to Ibn Abbas, Ibn Abbas would never interrupt him, but rather listen intently (to ensure correct recitation). However, when he recited this verse, Ibn Abbas stopped him and said, "Do you know why this verse was revealed? Some Jews of Madinah used to believe that if a man approached a woman from her back (one version adds: while she was kneeling), the child would be born deformed. So Allah revealed this verse, allowing men to approach their wives in any position." Similarly, in the famous hadith regarding the prohibition of anal intercourse, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said, "Allah is not embarrassed at the truth: approach her (i.e., your wife) from her front or from her back, but avoid the anus" [Abu Dawud].

Benefit:

The Quran and Sunnah, being the divine code of guidance that they are, mention the issue of various sexual positions, but do so without going into unnecessary details and unbefitting descriptions. Enough is said to get the point across, and other details are left to the couple's experience and imagination. Similarly, the standard books of tafseer, hadith explanations, and fiqh works do not take on the role of sex manuals, but rather mention enough to explain what is and what is not permissible.
In the verse that Ibn Abbas explained, Allah revealed it in response to an awkward situation regarding the permissibility of a particular position. One of the spouses refused to engage in intimacy in this position, believing that it was impermissible, and that it would be harmful if it resulted in pregnancy. At this, Allah revealed a beautiful simile: the conjugal act is similar to a farmer planting seeds in a field.
The farmer has many options in how he plants those seeds, and is not restricted to any one manner. Similarly, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam clarified that as long as intimacy occurred in the right place, the Shariah did not dictate or restrict how intimacy occurred.

***Mahzala*** · 06-06-2010, 03:54 PM

Al-Ghizali on the Pleasures of the afterlife

Imam al-Ghazali (d. 505) mentions in his famous work The Revival of the Religious Sciences that scholars have mentioned many blessings of intimacy, such as protecting one's chastity and increasing one's progeny. But he also mentions a blessing that might surprise many Muslims. One of the blessings of intimacy that our scholars have mentioned, al-Ghazali says, is to experience some of the pleasures of the afterlife. He continues: "And I swear, what they have said is absolutely true! For indeed, in this pleasure [of sex] - a pleasure that cannot be compared to any other pleasure - if only it were to persist, it would indeed be a sign or signal for those pleasures of the next life that have been promised to us. To entice someone regarding a pleasure that he has never experienced is of no use! If an impotent man were to be enticed with sex, or a young child with power, there would be no temptation. Therefore, one of the blessings of the sexual experience and pleasure in this world is the hope of its perpetual existence in the next, so that this can be used as a motivation for the worship of Allah. Marvel, therefore, at the wisdom of Allah, and His Mercy, for look at how He has placed in one desire two lives: an external life, and an internal life. So the external life is the preservation of a man through his progeny and children. And the internal life is the life of the next world. For the pleasure of sex is diminished in this world because it must remain temporary, and is swiftly terminated, but by experiencing it, one's desire to have such a pleasure remain everlasting becomes firm, and this encourages one to persist in deeds of worship that would allow him to experience such pleasures."

An amazing quote from an amazing scholar! Stay tuned for another interesting example in our next email.

***Mahzala*** · 06-07-2010, 12:32 AM

A Teacher teaches his Students

It is very difficult to improve one's conjugal experiences without reading up or otherwise learning about better techniques. Yet, at the same time, not only is this highly uncomfortable for many Muslims (for we are encouraged to be shy and modest), there is the added problem that most if not all such material present in our times would contain pornographic images and graphic text, and thus be out of our (halal) reach.

When we turn to our own classical works, we find that sexual conduct has been mentioned in numerous books. Every single work of fiqh has chapters related to sex. Every explanation of hadith, every tafsir of the Quran, must by its very nature deal with matters pertaining to sexuality. Additionally, throughout our own fourteen centuries of tradition and history, there have been many books written to help couples find more meaningful relationships and increase sexual pleasure within marriage. These works are many times quite explicit, but hardly ever crude or vulgar. And I believe that we can learn much from their language and style.

One of the more interesting examples of this is one that the famous Imam al-Qurtubi (d. 671 AH) mentions in his Tafsir. In reference to the verse of women being one's '...cultivation', [al-Baqara; 223] he mentions that the Maliki jurist Ibn al-Arabi (d. 543) narrates that his own teacher, who was the most respected and esteemed scholar of Andalus of his era, went into some detail describing the female organ to his students, so that they would be better aware of what to do and not to do. Says the teacher to his presumably unmarried male student body, "And the closest image that I can give to you of the female organ is [the number] thirty-five..." so saying, he holds his finger and thumb together, and sticks out the other three fingers above it. "Now" he continues, "...the zero (meaning the place between the finger and thumb) is the actual vagina, and this is where the male organ goes. My finger above it is where the urethra is - this is where the female urinates from, and this is a different place than the actual vagina..." One can only imagine how eagerly these young men must have been paying attention to their teacher's fingers and 'schematic diagram' that he attempted to demonstrate!

What is of interest to us here is the fact that great scholars like al-Qurtubi and Ibn al-Arabi saw no problem in relaying these experiences in their standard and famous works (on Tafsir no less!). The lesson that we learn from this is that basic human anatomy is a necessary requirement for understanding such issues, and as long as permissible means are used to convey the information, there is nothing wrong with studying such information!

***Mahzala*** · 06-09-2010, 12:55 PM

A Blessing of Paradise

The topic of the houris in Paradise always brings a smile to the faces of most men, and makes many women feel uncomfortable. This is of course completely understandable.

But have you ever wondered why these heavenly creatures are described with such exquisite detail? Their clothing, their eyes, their skin, their bodies, their poetry, their love - all is mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah in language that leaves little to the imagination. Many a man feels sexually excited thinking about the rewards that await those who are destined to receive them. How many have used those very feelings to entice them to wake up for tahajjud, or to control impious urges of this world?

This fact alone clearly demonstrates that sexual arousal simply cannot, by itself, be anything wrong or sinful. It is quite clear that the purpose of these descriptions is to entice men to do better in order to earn such rewards. It is as if Allah wants us to be motivated by that arousal - to channel that energy into something useful and productive. As we have mentioned more than once before, this is in stark contrast to medieval notions of Christianity, where arousal itself was deemed irreligious.

Extrapolating from this, our sexual desires of this life should also be embraced, but channeled appropriately. If some of our desires are meant to be delayed and experienced in the afterlife, others are meant to be accepted and experienced in this world. This is what Allah intended for us!

And by the way, the strongest position regarding women in Paradise is that they too will have a mate: each woman (even those who died single) will have a husband to take care of her and satisfy her. There are no singles in Paradise; Allah only mentions the female companions of men because men are more overtly sexual creatures. Most women will have their partners of this life in Paradise (and these partners will be the best for them in every aspect), but for those who don't, they too shall be blessed with partners in the next.

So, brothers and sisters, dream away!

***Mahzala*** · 06-09-2010, 12:59 PM

You are indeed. Once this email series is over, I plan on opening a space for discussing the matter, as members, together. Although I have the full series in my inbox, I occasionally am updating it so that members can benefit from one post at a time rather than read and scan through a chunk of wordy posts.

***Mahzala*** · 06-10-2010, 11:55 PM

Visual Vs Emotional

We mentioned earlier that Allah has created men and women differently. One of the most pronounced differences between genders when it comes to issues of intimacy is arousal. Each gender has been keyed to respond to different senses. If a couple wishes to maximize feelings of closeness and intimacy, it is essential that each party understands the otherâ€™s arousal mechanism.

For men, the primary sense of arousal is physical. Seeing the figure, smelling the aroma, and touching the body of a woman is what arouses a man. When a manâ€™s physical needs are satisfied, he is most likely to reciprocate with emotional responses.

For a woman, on the other hand, the primary sense of arousal is emotional. Feeling loved, appreciated and cared for are the underlying emotional factors that will mostly make the woman love back in return. When a womanâ€™s emotional needs are satisfied, she is more likely to reciprocate with physical responses.

One of the biggest sources of conflict in a marriage is this simple lack of understanding. Women feel used when their husbands take advantage of them physically but ignore their emotional needs. On the other hand, men feel frustrated that their wives are so withdrawn and cold during acts of intimacy, complaining both at the quantity and quality of these acts. Both parties need to give more of what the other party wants, in order to receive back what they themselves desire.

A marriage is a give-and-take relationship. It is a two way street. You must give the best of what your partner wants in order to obtain the best of what you wish to receive. Men need to learn to be more sensitive and understanding, and women need to learn to be more physical.

***Mahzala*** · 06-13-2010, 11:35 AM

What women are looking for

We mentioned in our last email that a couple that wishes to have a successful relationship must understand each other’s needs. A husband must take into account that a woman’s needs and expectations are different than a man’s. Great intimacy can only be achieved if a woman finds a complete, fulfilling relationship.

So what are women looking for in a marriage?

Women get married to find a special best friend. They want someone who will share their secrets, laugh and joke with them, love them, cherish them, adore them, be romantic with them, and make them feel beautiful and sexy. They want someone who will be attracted to them emotionally through their personality, and attracted to them physically through their bodies.

A woman wants a partner who will strive together with her through this life; laughing and rejoicing through the good times, and sticking by each other and supporting each other through the bad times. She wants a man strong in his deen who can stand up and take the responsibility of the household, and help raise the children in accordance with Islam.

A woman wants her husband to be her friend, companion, and soul mate.

Any good husband must realize that a woman’s primary need is emotional.He must take into account the prophetic tradition “The best of you are those who are best to their wives,” [Sahih al-Bukhari], and then strive to be the best to his wife.

Men have been assigned the responsibility by Allah to take care of their wives, and this entails treating them with love and respect, and striving to make them happy. If a husband can fulfill his wife’s primary needs, not only will Allah reward him, his wife will be content with him, and together the couple’s life will be more harmonious. Moreover, when a woman’s needs are fulfilled she will be more willing to fulfill her husband’s needs.

The best way to satisfy a woman’s emotional needs is to listen to her and respond to her with compassion. By listening to her intently, with your undivided attention, and taking a genuine interest in what she has to say, she will feel loved, cherished and important. Realize that when she approaches you with her problems, she doesn’t necessarily want solutions, she just wants sympathy and understanding.

In our next email we will discuss other ways to make a woman feel special and content within a marriage.

-----
Note from Mahzala: This was my favourite email in the series. It is a crystal clear reflection of my views. And something I addressed in another thread about the differences between men and women in this regard.

***Mahzala*** · 06-14-2010, 01:36 AM

Romance Tips for Men

Men typically find romantic gestures a bit awkward – many assume that anything they do will be considered clichéd and insincere. They think too deeply about the intellectual ramifications of showing such a gesture, and forget that it really is the thought that counts!

One way to keep romance alive is to say comforting and encouraging words to your wife – words that express your love and your attraction to her. Saying ‘I love you’ while you mean it always does wonders to a relationship. Additionally, a wife always loves to hear her husband praise her looks, especially when she dresses up and gets ready. Men also need to understand that cracking jokes about ‘second wives’ is simply not funny; it hurts a wife’s feelings by making her feel inadequate, and trivializes the special love that a couple should have (please note that the issue is not the concept of polygyny, but the flippant attitude that many Muslim men have towards it).

Another easy method to show romance is non-sexual touching. By ‘non-sexual’, we mean a touch that does not directly lead to sex. A women’s skin is ten times more sensitive to touch and pressure than a man’s and has a higher amount of oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle” hormone), which is the hormone that stimulates the urge to be touched. This is why the majority of women loved to be cuddled, touched and caressed.

Some of the ways that touch can be incorporated in daily life are simple hugs, holding hands as you are walking or talking, stroking her hair as you listen to her, or touching and caressing any part of her body whilst relaxing or lying down. By touching her body, you reassure her that you still find her attractive and beautiful.

Avoid groping (i.e., ‘sexual touching’) at awkward moments – such actions typically turn a woman off. Women generally like to be dealt with in a gentle and caring manner. This is especially true with women who have children. A mother normally spends the whole day with the children tugging and pulling on her, so she doesn’t need the same type of touching from her husband! Rather, she needs a more nurturing, caring touch.

Men underestimate the importance and the impact of non-sexual touching, as they themselves don’t have this desire. A man’s skin is thicker, and he produces lower amounts of oxytocin (the “cuddle” hormone) so when the woman plays with a man’s hair or holds his hand it doesn’t have the same effect on him. However for a woman, the touch is the simplest, most powerful way to make her feel loved and beautiful.

***Mahzala*** · 06-14-2010, 03:33 PM

Being Romantic

In our previous email, we mentioned that a woman’s primary need for her husband is emotional. She wants to share an emotional connection based on love, commitment and acceptance. A good husband must love his wife both as a person (meaning her personality) and as a woman (meaning her physical body).

One of the ways a man can fulfill this emotional need is through romance. During the ‘honeymoon period,’ romance is easy for most men. This is because everything about the relationship is new and exciting; the man is continuously day-dreaming about his wife and is eager to communicate that to her. It is easier for men to be more attentive and show extra tenderness during this phase.

But true romance is when a man continues this even after the ‘honeymoon’ phase. It is when the husband makes an effort to keep the marriage alive, thinks about ways to please his wife, and genuinely strives to make her feel loved and appreciated.

Unfortunately, after the honeymoon phase, romance loses its appeal for most men, and in fact becomes awkward and even unnatural! But Alhamdulillah, it is not difficult, and with the correct intention and mindset, romance can easily be re-learnt.

There are many ways a man can show romance. Let us get started by mentioning two types of romance:

1. Spontaneous Romance:

These are little acts that the husband does to show affection without being prompted. The key concept here is to be spontaneous. The element of surprise is crucial! It is not what you do that is as important as simply doing something personal. This could include sending her a message saying “I love you” via text, email, or a little sticky note placed in a convenient place. Other examples include buying her an unexpected gift, or giving her a tight hug or a passionate kiss when she least expects it. These acts keep the marriage alive, as it injects excitement and heat into the relationship. This spontaneity helps melts away any resentment that inevitably builds up.

2. Responsive Romance:

These are acts that the husband does in response to a situation at hand. They are done when a husband finds his wife emotionally or physically down. For example, ordering food from outside if her day was hectic; giving her a massage if her back is sore; or simply sitting down with her and listening to her if she is upset about an incident that happened. These acts show genuine care, and strengthen and deepen the marital bond.

The fact of the matter is that many men are scared by the word ‘romance’; they feel that it is beyond them. Yet true romance is nothing more or less than appreciating a woman for who she is, looking after her, and caring for her.

Remember the beautiful hadith in which our beloved Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam compared women to ‘…fragile vessels,’ and reminded us to be gentle with them (Reported by al-Bukhari). Emotionally, women are different than men, and protecting these fragile vessels in every way possible is the best (and most natural) job men can do.

***Mahzala*** · 06-14-2010, 03:37 PM

A side note: I have compiled PDF versions of the email series split into two part; 1-10 and 11-20. The file size does not match the limit when attaching it, but if you want a copy, please let me know, I am happy to share them with you. I feel it is more beneficial in this format as you can keep a copy to read in your own time, use it as a reference instead of logging on to PF and even distribute them to friends and family, as I have done.

So, drop a line if you want a copy.

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