a muslim woman's attitude towards polygamy

[IamDZJ]

under which circumstances will you allow your husband to marry another woman?
do not feel guilty if your answer is 'none'.
islam has given some very good reasons to men for wanting to marry multiple women but what if you as a wife are not willing to accept this decision?
what choices do we have?

[amna.]

I will allow it if he points out something in me that gives him an excuse to marry someone.

If he thinks I am too ugly for him, I wont stop him.

[IamDZJ]

I will allow it if he points out something in me that gives him an excuse to marry someone.

If he thinks I am too ugly for him, I wont stop him.

what?!

[amna.]

I think you heard me loud and clear. There was intrinsically point in that line.

Once a man wants another wife, you cant stop him. If you think you stopped him, don't be surprised when you find out about his side order.

[IamDZJ]

how about throwing him out of your life?

[amna.]

That would work as well but many of our Pasthanas dont hold that kind of power unfortunately.

I think the only reason it should be allowed is for reproduction. But than again its impossible to justify it mentally for us women.

[IamDZJ]

so let's flip it. what if he is the one who can't bear a child? can you being the woman leave him for some one else and then live a guilt free life? can you justify that?

if he wants to marry another woman because i can't give him any children then i will not negotiate my position with some one else. i am not a fair person and i don't think any woman can be in that situation. i will leave him and if he is willing to let me go than it is certain that the cause of the fraction in our relationship had nothing to do with not having children and everything to do with us not being committed enough to each other.
what if i lose my arm tomorrow? he expects me to understand his need for wanting a wife with two arms instead of one?

[Laila]

I am not married yet, so i cant speak from an experienced woman's view. But i do have feelings and i am only human. I will honestly get jealous if i see my husband, my own spouse, with another woman. Emotionally and mentally i really wont be able to bear it.

If he wants to marry a second wife, he will just have to accept the fact that i will leave the marriage, simple as that.

If God forbid i am not stertile and i cant reproduce an offspring, he will have to understand that was my fate, actually our fate as a married couple. It just was not meant to be. Lets say the tables were turned, what if he was infertile, can i go marry another man? Lets say Islamic polygomy allowed woman to marry under a certain cirumstance, lets just say that for a minute, how would he like it then when the tables are turned. Because there are many men that cannot produce enough sperm. So then what happens. Or there are many men that cannot take on financial responsibilites as a sole provider even after marriage.

Oh and please, no excuse that men are more in need for more than one wife...

My point is, I dont think there is a reason strong enough for a polygomous marriage, man or woman (if allowed for woman). I believe a marriage is between two spouses, i dont see a need for a third party.

My great grandfather had 3 wives. And each wife was more jealous to the other. Causing many, many problems within the family.

When my proposal came, i actually talked about this topic with the guy. No, I didnt find it too early to talk about it because i would never marry someone in the first place whom i knew was going to marry a second time.

[Laila]

so let's flip it. what if he is the one who can't bear a child? can you being the woman leave him for some one else and then live a guilt free life? can you justify that?

if he wants to marry another woman because i can't give him any children then i will not negotiate my position with some one else. i am not a fair person and i don't think any woman can be in that situation. i will leave him and if he is willing to let me go than it is certain that the cause of the friction in our relationship had nothing to do with not having children and everything to do with us not being committed enough to each other.
what if i lose my arm tomorrow? he expects me to understand his need for wanting a wife with two arms instead of one?

Jan, i whole heartedly agree with you.

I think a woman being not sterile is the dumbest excuse for a polygmous marriage...reason why, men can be just as infertile as woman. So what now?

I agree, if he wants to marry another woman, he just wont have me as his wife anymore, simple as that.

[PFgulalai]

Why would someone want to be with a person and that too in a constant state of hellfire, when that person does not care about her love, sincerity, loyality, and care that she is showering on him?Your parents gave him your hand because they trusted him.Are daughters just beezay, or real humans with consciousness?

Marriage should be unconditional; when two people marry they accept each other for what they are. How come he can claim of be in love with his wife or be caring if he is looking for a better (beautiful) or reproductively fittest wife?Is it like some novel human experimentation? Okay, this one did not give me the result (babies),let me find another one.Huh, I have no interest in the present one (ugly),let me get a more attractive one.It's fine, I am going to keep the first one.I will fulfill all duties of a good husband!! Crap!!!! How come one can live with such selfish person? If he really loves you, babies issue no matter how taxing it is for both of you, should not be the factor to break your marriage.In case he decides to get marry because you can't give him babies, a more pragmatic approach is to leave him.Good for him and good for you.The world is full of men and women.We do mistakes, we come across bad people.He is just one of those baaaaaad, baaaaaaad people.It is very difficult in theory than in practice because marriage is not some groceries shopping, but then how much power you have to stop him? or how successful will you be to calm your female instinctual/behavioral feeling of care and sacrifice? That is what we have been told, sacrifice at every point!!!Good, if that brings peace to the life of three people!!!

I don't have the patience as well as the guts to see my husband enjoying with other woman for whatever foolish reason and making me feel like a crap!!Why? Just because he is a man and he has the right to marry 1,2,3,4....wives!!To hell with him and his wives!!!I have more productive things to do in life than to cry over my fate.It is not easy as it might sound but then there is no point in destroying your peace of mind and also creating a havoc in the life of other two people who are least concerned with your existence.They must not exist for me either.

[IamDZJ]

Divorce is horrible for a child.

the importance of having both parents in a child's life is not worth having an ****** of a father for a role model.

[Admin Khan]

Relationships should be based on honesty, not obsession. Every relationship is a two way street. You both have to make compromises on a daily basis. There is no "relationship" if compromise isn't part of it, or trust and respect. You have to learn to compromise, earn trust, and show respect in all areas--24/7. A relationship is more like teamwork. With all due respect, It is my belief that we are, at times, our own worst enemy. Despite our kind and helpful intentions, we tend to shoot ourselves in the foot when it comes to developing and maintaining positive relationships. Don't get me wrong, I feel as though we should look at ourselves in a neutral mirror as well to make sure we are doing our part. But wait a minute, I would like to refute what I just said, how does one define a positive relationship? If you are presently unhappy with the situation on hand, you should try to work it out. If you give up since you have already turned to every option possible, time to pack up and say good bye. Its just not worth it. Why live a miserable life? Yes I understand divorce makes a child life miserable but so does a father who barely cares except for you know.

As far as polygamy and the man is concerned, I will chime in and add me $0.2 and you can take it for what its worth. A relationship is not a test-drive, You[Speaking in example]are not a car. He can't just give it a try and say hmm, I don't like you and its time for me to find someone who in his definition is better and more tolerant to his absurd and inarticulate views based on irrationality. No woman should permit a man to step all over her. Its just unacceptable,objectionable and nonstandard. A woman should know her value. If you don't know your value, you will suffer. Education helps you understand what you are worth. A woman should never just nod her head to everything, especially those things that make her unhappy.

If you want to bring Islam into this, we can discuss this matter in the light of Islam. Islam has given women equal rights. It has to be added that polygamy in Islam is a matter of mutual consent. No one can force a woman to marry a married man. Besides, the wife has the right to stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife as well.

live with them ( wife or wives) on a footing of kindness and equity” (Quran 4:19)
-The Quran

If a husband is constantly being mean,unkind, and unjust. He needs a talk too. If he still decides to be on a power-trip and act like a macho man, he should be taught a lesson. In the 21st century, I don't think a woman can handle having her husband shared. I think our minds cant tolerate it. Just the thought of it I'm sure brings the chills down your spine. To prevent something you might end up regretting later on, It's better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship, and to agree that when they are having problems they should deal with it together. But if the husband or wife is being unreasonable in demands, why live your life unsatisfied with sadness?

One of the America's leading relationship psychiatrists, Dr Jack Dominian, had once said that if couples want to improve their relationships, they should ban the phrase: ‘The trouble with you is …’. Such phrases develop animosity for each other. If you as a woman, cant tolerate polygamy, make your stance crystal clear. If the man still goes on with it without considering your feelings. I think the answer is quite clear, he never cared about his wife to begin with.

[unknownprince]

Is this post supposed to be some type of a joke?

[unknownprince]

Ok, well here are my two cents. I think the only reason for marriage is to have offspring. That I think is the biological reason for both male and female. I think the love thing is all an emotional state to justify the marriage which really has only one objective. That is my scientific opinion.

[tor_khan]

Put, it this way ... as someone who is related to people in polygamous marriages, I have learned to have an open mind.

Relationships are complex and the reasons for marrying again are driven by more than men simply following a primal need to "add" to his collection of women or to "spread" himself around.

Economics, society and wider relationships play a part too in polygamous marriage. In marriage, in our societies, it is not about two lovebirds simply made for each other. It's a fact that we often marry into families, and like it or not, they are part of the marriage - their opinions, their demands etc.

In one instance, I know that one man remarried, not because he had initial issues with his wife - had they continued to remain on their own, they would have continued laughing and joking and making each other happy. However, due to some reasons after a couple of years, her family became over-bearing - in time this affected their freedom and their space - they both tried to work with the change in circumstance, but it did affect their relationship - he gave up on his in-laws and eventually drifted. From the stories I heard, I don't blame him for giving up on his in-laws at all. I'm saddened that he wasn't able to separate his wife from them, but she felt bound to them since they were her blood. Eventually he married again. Both his wives get on very well - and the second marriage made his first wife's family realise the damage they were doing.

The reality is men ARE different and Islam recognises that, hence limited polygamy. I should add that most Muslim marriages on this planet are 1-1 marriages and not 1-4. Like I say, I'm related to people in multiple marriage, so for me the concept of polygamous marriage is normal. I don't get my idea of successful relationships from novels, from Bollywood or MTV.