Salaams, help and advice brothers and sisters

[RisingSun]

Asa-salaam-a-lakum

My name is Azi and have found this forum hoping to get some advice from the Pashto community. I am a muslim alhumdulliah and I live in London.
I look after my mum as we only have each other. Alhumdulliah.

I need some advice about a rishta.
The rishta is with a person from Doaba Hungu area and he has lived in the UK for 11 years. We would like to marry inshallah and are practicing muslims.

However, now we are talking about marriage he has changed his mind as he wants to make sure that family in Hungu doaba are also looked after. I understand this because I also look after my mum. After thinking about marriage we agreed to discuss with parents after ramadan. My mum is happy but know he is not sure as he is divided between the UK and Doaba.

As a muslim girl my honour is very important. I know this is very important in Pashto community too.

What advice can you give me if his family don't accept me, even if I am Pakistani muslim but not a Pathan?

Would value your advice brothers and sisters.

Women can be mothers, sisters and daughters, what should I do?

Jazakallah

[Badlun]

Please keep the following in mind as a piece of advice from a sincere well wisher

1. In a relation, love, marriage excuses do not work. What work is action, sacrifice, decision and results.If there is no action it means there is no will because whenever there is a will there is a way. You can help some one to have more will power but for that you also need will. Things go or do not go. You cannot force or make things go in personal relations. If your marriage goes with him then it will happen otherwise you cannot force him or motivate him beyond a limit.

2. If it does not work then forgive and forget. This is not the only door where you can enter in the realm of marriage. You can have many more opportunities if you stay confident, optimist, healthy, happy, successful, beautiful, attractive, educated, professional , loving and caring

3. Pashtuns do marry non Pashtuns if there is a real love and interest but it is a reality that if family is more involved then a Pashtun girl is always preferred.

4. For traditional Muslim girls it is always safe to go directly asking for marriage to test the sincerity of the boy friend otherwise you will have traumas and disillusionment. Otherwise in this modern era where safe sex can be done the better way is a relationship of boy friend and girl friend and when there is a real love between the two they should marry formally.

[Catya Sher]

Tell us more about him, and about you.

Like is it a temporary infatuation ?
How long have you known him and really have you seen
him in MANY - and this is important especially -
ADVERSE circumstances to see if he will lose his cool and
not treat you so well ?

This is GENERAL advice, not tailored especially to this man from Hungu.

I am offering a little food for thought, because I imagine you have been -
CORRECTLY as a nice Muslim girl should be - sheltered and not out circulating to meet men.
Therefore, you wouldn't know some of the perils facing the population ALL OVER
the world, not just in one society.

Others can answer from the Pashtun angel.

My advice is to TEST the guy in various ways before making SURE you
want to marry him. He is probably very good-looking.
But check his character out MORE deeply than you have already.

And of course pray to Allah to be shown whether this is the right man
Allah wants for you.

Hoping for your success, either way !

[Shamlawar Khurasani]

Asa-salaam-a-lakum

My name is Azi and have found this forum hoping to get some advice from the Pashto community. I am a muslim alhumdulliah and I live in London.
I look after my mum as we only have each other. Alhumdulliah.

I need some advice about a rishta.
The rishta is with a person from Doaba Hungu area and he has lived in the UK for 11 years. We would like to marry inshallah and are practicing muslims.

However, now we are talking about marriage he has changed his mind as he wants to make sure that family in Hungu doaba are also looked after. I understand this because I also look after my mum. After thinking about marriage we agreed to discuss with parents after ramadan. My mum is happy but know he is not sure as he is divided between the UK and Doaba.

As a muslim girl my honour is very important. I know this is very important in Pashto community too.

What advice can you give me if his family don't accept me, even if I am Pakistani muslim but not a Pathan?

Would value your advice brothers and sisters.

Women can be mothers, sisters and daughters, what should I do?

Jazakallah

wa 3alayki as salaam,

first of all, having a relationship with someone before marriage is certificate for a horrible marriage.

second, the first criterion is to see his religion, and his family.

[Shamlawar Khurasani]

[Catya Sher]

Good advice from all these angels [angles].
I read over the original statement again and
I dont know whether that's a good sign that he is wavering.
Is this an excuse, or real, you must be wondering.

Keep your senses very attuned to his behavior to judge his character.

This is a common problem for young people but people of all ages too.
They don't use their usual faculties to assess weak points
and tend to make excuses for the person's odd behavior or
strange fluctuations or anything like this.

That is right under normal circumstances, to NOT judge critically,
and give the person slack based on many factors.

But only for FRIENDS ! Not for a prospective spouse.
You have to be wide awake and using your spiritual and
intellectual talents to judge whether Allah is showing you
something is wrong about that prospective fiance.

[HalloIsBack]

wa 3alayki as salaam,

first of all, having a relationship with someone before marriage is certificate for a horrible marriage.

second, the first criterion is to see his religion, and his family.

what does his religion and his family say about him and his behaviour?

[Shamlawar Khurasani]

what does his religion and his family say about him and his behaviour?

Everything.

[HalloIsBack]

Everything.

nothing!
i know girls her father is haji and they are *****s

[Shamlawar Khurasani]

nothing!
i know girls her father is haji and they are *****s

the fact that you use words censured on pf to describe people proves my point. Thank you.

[HalloIsBack]

the fact that you use words censured on pf to describe people proves my point. Thank you.

aha
and what kind of education (parents and school) and religion do i have?

[RisingSun]

Thank you for your heartfelt response. I understand your sentiments and agree with your well thought out words. Jazakallah. The issue I have discovered only in the last hour is that he has been promised to a girl back home (I was never aware of this when we were introduced for marriage).
He has now given me an ultimatum that he would like to marry me and wants me to accept it if he has to marry her.

My issue with this is islamically it is important for a man to treat his wives equally, this will not be fair to her or me. After all I am a woman and I wouldn't ask another woman to share a pain like this.

Allah knows best

Please keep the following in mind as a piece of advice from a sincere well wisher

1. In a relation, love, marriage excuses do not work. What work is action, sacrifice, decision and results.If there is no action it means there is no will because whenever there is a will there is a way. You can help some one to have more will power but for that you also need will. Things go or do not go. You cannot force or make things go in personal relations. If your marriage goes with him then it will happen otherwise you cannot force him or motivate him beyond a limit.

2. If it does not work then forgive and forget. This is not the only door where you can enter in the realm of marriage. You can have many more opportunities if you stay confident, optimist, healthy, happy, successful, beautiful, attractive, educated, professional , loving and caring

3. Pashtuns do marry non Pashtuns if there is a real love and interest but it is a reality that if family is more involved then a Pashtun girl is always preferred.

4. For traditional Muslim girls it is always safe to go directly asking for marriage to test the sincerity of the boy friend otherwise you will have traumas and disillusionment. Otherwise in this modern era where safe sex can be done the better way is a relationship of boy friend and girl friend and when there is a real love between the two they should marry formally.

[RisingSun]

what does his religion and his family say about him and his behaviour?

Interesting point.
We were introduced for marriage purposes.
As he did not have his working visa he wanted / needed to sort this out because he was unable to earn a living.

You are right religion is important and a relationship before marriage may not be ideal. It's not something I was personally looking for but as I am solely responsible to look after my mum. I needed to make sure that my husband to be could provide or was at least accepting of the fact that I must provide for my mum. Between the three of us, I am the one who is the most educated to work and provide. This is not a problem just what Allah has given to me.
I am happy to marry but not if he choose to marry someone else also.
it is not fair to her or me, especially if you cannot commit to equal time to a loved one. It is not fair on any human being.

Allah knows best

[RisingSun]

Also pertinent words and this sounds sensible. I am not sure about the age issue because we are both in our 30s.

His issue is that his family want him to marry and the elders have agreed on both sides that this will happen. So he feels he can't get out of it and has given me the option of a second wife. I feel betrayed and deceived. Actually honestly, I am broken inside.

Good advice from all these angels [angles].
I read over the original statement again and
I dont know whether that's a good sign that he is wavering.
Is this an excuse, or real, you must be wondering.

Keep your senses very attuned to his behavior to judge his character.

This is a common problem for young people but people of all ages too.
They don't use their usual faculties to assess weak points
and tend to make excuses for the person's odd behavior or
strange fluctuations or anything like this.

That is right under normal circumstances, to NOT judge critically,
and give the person slack based on many factors.

But only for FRIENDS ! Not for a prospective spouse.
You have to be wide awake and using your spiritual and
intellectual talents to judge whether Allah is showing you
something is wrong about that prospective fiance.

[RisingSun]

Again wonderful questions... thank you.

He is 34, I am 33. I've known him for 4 years. We were introduced and discussed marriage. he could not provide at the time and wanted to start a business etc. Every relationship has up and downs. He has a great temper, is a good person, we have opened up more educated pathways to learning about Islam and have the same ideology of raising children in an environment that keeps a balance of Islam, Culture, Family and so on.

Your comment about him being good looking was funny... beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

He kept it from me that the elders agreed to marry him to a local girl in Hangu. I only found out this evening, less than 4 hours ago after a long talk about the seriousness of marriage.
I can't speak to his parents as he has not told them himself. So sad

He has told me that none of this is my fault and he should have told me and that he didn't want to lose me which is why he kept it from me.

I have no problem with him as a human being, where credit is due, he is a good person and he is in a situation where he feels he cannot disagree with his parents but also wants to marry me. So essentially marry us both. I feel betrayed and decieved.

Is it common for men to marry in hangu and other countries?

I wonder how a woman would feel if a man married more than one woman and if he could love them both?

Tell us more about him, and about you.

Like is it a temporary infatuation ?
How long have you known him and really have you seen
him in MANY - and this is important especially -
ADVERSE circumstances to see if he will lose his cool and
not treat you so well ?

This is GENERAL advice, not tailored especially to this man from Hungu.

I am offering a little food for thought, because I imagine you have been -
CORRECTLY as a nice Muslim girl should be - sheltered and not out circulating to meet men.
Therefore, you wouldn't know some of the perils facing the population ALL OVER
the world, not just in one society.

Others can answer from the Pashtun angel.

My advice is to TEST the guy in various ways before making SURE you
want to marry him. He is probably very good-looking.
But check his character out MORE deeply than you have already.

And of course pray to Allah to be shown whether this is the right man
Allah wants for you.

Hoping for your success, either way !