Taking Everyone As A Good Person?

[Shayesta]

You know, those people who I met personally all those while, I always think of them to be good people. Even if I don't get along with them, I still think of them being good people. Recently some people have been spreading nonsense about me which isn't even 1% true, while I can't remember saying any of those crap and nor I remember how I ever harmed those people? Yet when they are being put in their places for spreading lies, I still feel bad for offending them while it was their fault and I still fool myself to believe they are actually good from heart? I have got no idea why I keep having this feeling of taking everyone as a nice person, but I know that it's gonna be very hard for me to handle the situation in the future if my thinking doesn't change!

Does anyone else have the same problem? What could the reason behind staying nice to such people be?

[Master Khan]

this is something my dad needs to think about, he does something really nice for them but in return they screw him over.
Once I know someone is a fake etc, thats it..I stay away from them.

[IamDZJ]

i don't have this problem because i know the difference between pleasing some one who does not know what my opinion of them is likely to be or the type of person that i m.
i hate hate hate she said this and he said that. i can't follow and it frustrates me. when some one tells me he or she said this about you, it's not the matter of me approaching this person to question them but to question myself.
i enjoy it when people spread lies about me. it gives me a chance to see who walks away from that conversation having what type of opinions about me. a true friend or a person worth keeping in your high regards is some one who is not brainwashed easily. WHO AND FOR HOW LONG M I SUPPOSED TO WALK AROUND CONVINCING PEOPLE OF MYSELF?

[Shayesta]

@Shlombay
The thing is, those people are much older than me in age and the fact they didn't respect their own age by talking about someone who was raised in front their eyes, how can I even think of confronting them while not even imagining how such people whom I adored could talk about me like that? It's not that they are saying absolutely horrible stuff or label me as cheap (Khuday nakhasta), but they make just the silliest excuse to judge me and I know for a fact if I personally confront them then they will have even more reason to judge me as it's not normal in Afghan culture for someone in her early twenties to confront someone in his/her nearly forties. My mum handles it all but yet it surprises me and confuses me at the same time? And what confuses me the most is why I feel bad for them when their lie is caught and why I feel bad for them when they turn out being the embarrassed one?

[IamDZJ]

^ YOU ADORED THE WRONG PEOPLE FOR WRONG REASONS. YOU WANT THEM TO CHANGE BEING WHO THEY ARE BECAUSE YOU ADORED THE IDEA OF WHO THEY WERE? YEAH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAy.

[Admin Khan]

You know, those people who I met personally all those while, I always think of them to be good people. Even if I don't get along with them, I still think of them being good people. Recently some people have been spreading nonsense about me which isn't even 1% true, while I can't remember saying any of those crap and nor I remember how I ever harmed those people? Yet when they are being put in their places for spreading lies, I still feel bad for offending them while it was their fault and I still fool myself to believe they are actually good from heart? I have got no idea why I keep having this feeling of taking everyone as a nice person, but I know that it's gonna be very hard for me to handle the situation in the future if my thinking doesn't change!

Does anyone else have the same problem? What could the reason behind staying nice to such people be?

Assalam-Alaikum Shayesta,

Honestly and unfortunately there are people who gain some sort of pleasure by gossiping about you. Its not only you, its practically everyone in the world. Its a matter of who you keep company with. Many can just take what you say out of context,order some coffee and begin having a 1 hour break at Starbucks over what you said earlier. Gossiping produces a lot "lols" for the people engaged in it. To be frank, Its a source of entertainment for many. Don't take it to the heart. This he said or she said business is nothing but useless talk. If someone cant dare to tell you something in your face, who cares? This is like when someone insults you behind your back, the minute you confront them they begin to say, "It wasn't me, It wasn't me".

If you want my advice, If its your close friend who is back-biting you, confront him/her. Tell her that you like friends that keep it real. I understand that this seems to be a major problem for many ladies but you have to be positive about the situation. Don't trust someone so easily, trust should be something someone should work hard for to earn. Also, be careful with what you say and who you say it around. Don't trust everyone so easily, especially over the internet. You never know who you are conversing with. I really pray that Allah assists you with your problems but do me a favor and think positive. Der churt ma waha. Stay positive and live life. Do me a favor and smile.

[Michin Khel]

44 years of experience tells me that be critical and negative when you meet some one new.

[Mayana]

You know, those people who I met personally all those while, I always think of them to be good people. Even if I don't get along with them, I still think of them being good people. Recently some people have been spreading nonsense about me which isn't even 1% true, while I can't remember saying any of those crap and nor I remember how I ever harmed those people? Yet when they are being put in their places for spreading lies, I still feel bad for offending them while it was their fault and I still fool myself to believe they are actually good from heart? I have got no idea why I keep having this feeling of taking everyone as a nice person, but I know that it's gonna be very hard for me to handle the situation in the future if my thinking doesn't change!

Does anyone else have the same problem? What could the reason behind staying nice to such people be?

A Muslim is supposed to give someone 70 excuses before accusing them of anything. When you're through with 77 excuses, you're supposed to find a flaw in you own perception before you accuse someone else of having done something wrong.

Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi, Shu`ab al-Iman, 7.522]

That is one side of the medal and a very noble thing to do. It is very relieving to perceive the world in such a way and think positively about people.

On the other hand, we have to also take into consideration that people in themselves are weak and man kind was created as a flawed creation. We all have flaws. So yes, a person may be a good person and YET flawed and those flaws might lead to them doing something that hurts you. They might not be strong enough to resist the temptation of Ghaibat, they might not be strong enough to resist the temptation of backbiting etc.

So the key is to not expect anything from people. Don't expect them to be good to you, don't expect them to turn their backs towards you. Don't expect them to do bad things.. but don't expect them to do good things either. A human being is capable of doing a lot of things others might not even have imagined. So be neither negative nor positive.


As far as confronting them goes, I believe that you should confront them and that confronting them isn't an offense but rather an act of help. You are letting them know that you are aware of whatever it is they're doing. At the same time, you are giving them a chance to explain their side of the story, so this leads to a fair perspective of the matter. Furthermore, you're pointing out their flaws, making them aware their mistakes offering them a way to better themselves. Maybe they do what they do out of ignorance? Maybe they've forgotten about their morals? Maybe they are surrounded by people who have a bad influence on them..? There are many reasons as to why a person can do a bad thing. But you confronting them about it in a very assertive manner is absolutely crucial. Else they'll think they can walk all over you which they shouldn't. you need to show people their limits and put them into their places. Confronting them helps you and helps them.. Khabara bayad speena sih.

[Shayesta]

I have got two 'real' friends and they will never bitch about me, period. These people are older in age whom I grew up with, whom I always respected and who once upon a time only used to praise me. But the problem is not what they say, the problem is why they say it? And I hardly converse with them and even if I do, I talk about education, work and Afghanistan and it's situation. I asked one of them why he says such things and he says 'oh I never said it, I think it's a misunderstanding', but next day I hear the same crap. I am not taking their lies to my heart, I am taking their intentions to my heart. Especially because they were last people I expected such rumors from, I am actually speechless. Now all I want is to try stop feeling sorry for everyone and stop thinking everyone is a good person. But the question, is how?

[JAMALUDEEN]

Be nice to everyone, but the moment you realize, agha nafar de kaar nedai, warzi na wooshkawa.

There is a saying in pashto "da spee lakkey hetch waqt na seeeda keshi".LOL

I just care about my family and a few close cousins (friends). That's all. Khudai Nakhwasta agha aghoyee mata kum bad shayee owayee neh kho bya dheer khaffa keyshuma, other than that..nope. Just be observant and learn to separate good from bad.

[Mayana]

I have got two 'real' friends and they will never bitch about me, period. These people are older in age whom I grew up with, whom I always respected and who once upon a time only used to praise me. But the problem is what they say, the problem is why they say it? And I hardly converse with them and even if I do, I talk about education, work and Afghanistan and it's situation. I asked one of them why he says such things and he says 'oh I never said it, I think it's a misunderstanding', but next day I hear the same crap. I am not taking their lies to my heart, I am taking their intentions to my heart. Especially because they were last people I expected such rumors from, I am actually speechless. Now all I want is to try stop feeling sorry for everyone and stop thinking everyone is a good person. But the question, is how?

Ballah ye pa paseh.

I have had similar experiences. I have been gifted with the ability to detach easily from people. I'm very loyal but if I see any sign of disloyalty, every care and every attachment I ever had for the person goes right out the window. I don't care about them anymore and hence neither their actions nor their ill intentions can possibly affect me. Why do I do this? To protect myself from useless pain and issues. If it is obvious that they do not care about me and do not want the best for me, why would I even bother?
If backbiting/gossiping makes them happy, great. People who know me know how I am. Those who matter don't mind the gossip, those who mind the gossip don't matter.

How to stop thinking everyone is good, you ask? Time will show. Slowly this incident will sink in and when you meet a new person.. you'll get reminded that 'oh XY did this to me, I should be careful whom I trust/ whom I expect to be good to me.'

[Laila]

Shayesta khorey, dont let it get to you. Dont give anyone the time of day. If you answer back to them, its what they want. Yes its jealousy, unreasonable hate, and they have no life but to treat you like that.

[Shayesta]

Oh no I am definitely not crying tears over it! My mum handles it all because she doesn't want me to even speak to such people. Alhamdullilah I have got a beautiful family and family-in-law who trust and respect me more than themselves, so I am very happy regarding my personal life. These are just distance relatives who once were very close, that's just it.

But it just sucks to confront those people or make someone on your behalf confront them, because despite of everything, I don't want to offend anyone and that also in the month of Ramzan,

[ijaz yousafzai]

Ignore them and scrap them from your memory and heart, and you will feel lighter.

[Roshina]

Shayesta guley, rumors are often spread about the people who have done nothing wrong, according to my observations. I hate two-faced people, and, like Mayana, I have absolutely NO problem detaching myself easily from people I may have been close to once. The moment I see them in other contexts and find them to be hypocritical or just un-deserving of my respect and friendship, I go far, FAR away from them. I might still talk to them here and there, but once my respect for them is lost, they have to walk thousands of miles to gain it back.

With family-friends and/or relatives, just ignore them. Happens to me as well. The thing is, here where I live, they spread lies about the girls going to school... mostly because their own daughters are locked inside the home all day long and are required to behave in a way that they would much rather not (I know because I am close with these girls). So, like DZJ, I enjoy hearing things about myself. They don't at all bother me. They're (illiterate) housewives who have time on their hands; what else can you expect from them? I'm like, hey, they find pleasure in doing this and it takes their mind off of their depression - by all means, say whatEVER you want!

So, just ignore it. I know it's easier said than done, but just focus on the things that actually matter. Those people who matter to you will never believe anything about you that you know is not true. So why waste your precious mind thinking about it?