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Love in Pashtun Society
Details Written by Farman Kakar
The acceptance of love varies from society to society. The more liberal a society is, the more love is respected there. Like any other ethnic group, Pashtuns do not have a single society. Rather, they inhabit various societies. Thus, you will find Pashtuns to be very conservative, conservative, liberal, and very liberal. Nevertheless, very conservative and conservative Pashtuns are far more numerous than liberal and very liberal ones. In the context of this article, dwelling on very conservative and conservative Pashtuns, liberal Pashtuns are more receptive to love.
Aversion to liberty is a hallmark of conservative societies. In its traditional context, liberty is one’s freedom to any action which does not violate some agreed sets of rules. But when it comes to love such a definition of liberty only speaks of its limitations. Liberty in love is freedom to choose an individual primarily as life partner out of one’s free will regardless of one’s submission to societal norms. Nevertheless, the great irony of love in any conservative setting is that one’s life partner is rarely one’s beloved. In the society, challenges to love are less severe when love falls within the ambit of societal traditions. Obstacles become staggering when love transcends traditional norms and boundaries. In its very essence love is truly liberal for it knows no confines.
Among the Pashtuns, probably like any other conservative society, two stubborn challenges to love are patriarchal norms and societal ethos. At its core, the Pashtun society is patriarchal and male dominated. In the society, like many other decisions, the right to choose one’s life partner rests primarily with senior male members of a family. Whereas a Pashtun male lover finds comparative solace in the patriarchal surroundings, his female counterpart is mainly reduced to the whims of her male kinsmen. Although female in her capacity, a mother plays a significant role in choosing a spouse for her children; due to structural constraints of the patriarchal culture, a mother’s decision is liable in reinforcing the structure than unraveling it.
The second main challenge to love is societal norms. Again, like any other conservative society, among the Pashtuns, love has to be within the limits of societal traditions. It is easier for male than female to say he loves someone. Secondly, cross tribal love is now accepted though love cutting across ethnicities and sects are rarely welcome—more so in the latter case. In this scenario, love becomes a luxury available to a few, whose love either fulfills all the prerequisites of society or who has the courage to crush conservatism under feet only to find family members losing face within the society. The winter of love can hardly be truer elsewhere. Under the bleak circumstances, choices left for an individual are either to love someone who fulfills all conditions of the society or choose not to love any but one’s spouse.
Even among the liberal sections of societies, opposition to cross ethnic and cross sect love marriages is based in the alleged conventional wisdom that love marriages are unsuccessful. Well, such an assertion may be handicapped by the absence of data so as to make a comparison between the failure of love marriages and arranged ones. Even if it is accepted just for the sake of the argument that love marriages are comparatively unsuccessful, then love being a binding force is not to be held responsible for the separation. While reasons may vary from case to case, generally the failure primarily owes to the dirty politics between the two in-laws than a loss of love between the husband and wife. Moreover, it is better for one to suffer from the fallout of one’s own decision than the decision of others.
Being a true liberal spirit, love cannot be confined within the ambit of a conservative society. Love needs not any permission. Since love happens than done, the questions of when, where, with whom, and why become haunting anomalies. Under the paradoxical situation, where patriarchy and conservatism are real life obstacles to love, where should love find its way, what should a lover do?
Change in the outlook of societies are time demanding. Quick fixes, choosing beloved as spouse without parents will, begets more problems than solving them. Perhaps, no venue is as promising as to work with traditional mores and hone the skill of maneuvering them. All parents want the happiness of their children, so they need some counseling that happiness can neither be bought nor does it lie in neither a cousin’s home nor elsewhere. Love is never about material wellbeing either. Well furnished house, luxury car, and bank balance do facilitate life though these are no substitute for love. Generally parents, in all good faith, prefer these things while deciding a life partner for their children. But they generally remain oblivious that “sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.”
For love is the voluntary submission of the will of a lover to the will of beloved, the sure abode of beloved’s happiness is a lover’s heart. Having had enough with the devastation caused by the orgy of hatred, we need love to prosper. For love is the antidote to hatred and the recipe for integration, it leads all the way to acceptance and peace in the society.
Farman Kakar is a freelance columnist from Quetta, Pakistan. He can be reached by email at fkakar85@gmail.com, and he tweets @mughtian.
Paintings : Arsalan Khan
Details Written by Farman Kakar
The acceptance of love varies from society to society. The more liberal a society is, the more love is respected there. Like any other ethnic group, Pashtuns do not have a single society. Rather, they inhabit various societies. Thus, you will find Pashtuns to be very conservative, conservative, liberal, and very liberal. Nevertheless, very conservative and conservative Pashtuns are far more numerous than liberal and very liberal ones. In the context of this article, dwelling on very conservative and conservative Pashtuns, liberal Pashtuns are more receptive to love.
Aversion to liberty is a hallmark of conservative societies. In its traditional context, liberty is one’s freedom to any action which does not violate some agreed sets of rules. But when it comes to love such a definition of liberty only speaks of its limitations. Liberty in love is freedom to choose an individual primarily as life partner out of one’s free will regardless of one’s submission to societal norms. Nevertheless, the great irony of love in any conservative setting is that one’s life partner is rarely one’s beloved. In the society, challenges to love are less severe when love falls within the ambit of societal traditions. Obstacles become staggering when love transcends traditional norms and boundaries. In its very essence love is truly liberal for it knows no confines.
Among the Pashtuns, probably like any other conservative society, two stubborn challenges to love are patriarchal norms and societal ethos. At its core, the Pashtun society is patriarchal and male dominated. In the society, like many other decisions, the right to choose one’s life partner rests primarily with senior male members of a family. Whereas a Pashtun male lover finds comparative solace in the patriarchal surroundings, his female counterpart is mainly reduced to the whims of her male kinsmen. Although female in her capacity, a mother plays a significant role in choosing a spouse for her children; due to structural constraints of the patriarchal culture, a mother’s decision is liable in reinforcing the structure than unraveling it.
The second main challenge to love is societal norms. Again, like any other conservative society, among the Pashtuns, love has to be within the limits of societal traditions. It is easier for male than female to say he loves someone. Secondly, cross tribal love is now accepted though love cutting across ethnicities and sects are rarely welcome—more so in the latter case. In this scenario, love becomes a luxury available to a few, whose love either fulfills all the prerequisites of society or who has the courage to crush conservatism under feet only to find family members losing face within the society. The winter of love can hardly be truer elsewhere. Under the bleak circumstances, choices left for an individual are either to love someone who fulfills all conditions of the society or choose not to love any but one’s spouse.
Even among the liberal sections of societies, opposition to cross ethnic and cross sect love marriages is based in the alleged conventional wisdom that love marriages are unsuccessful. Well, such an assertion may be handicapped by the absence of data so as to make a comparison between the failure of love marriages and arranged ones. Even if it is accepted just for the sake of the argument that love marriages are comparatively unsuccessful, then love being a binding force is not to be held responsible for the separation. While reasons may vary from case to case, generally the failure primarily owes to the dirty politics between the two in-laws than a loss of love between the husband and wife. Moreover, it is better for one to suffer from the fallout of one’s own decision than the decision of others.
Being a true liberal spirit, love cannot be confined within the ambit of a conservative society. Love needs not any permission. Since love happens than done, the questions of when, where, with whom, and why become haunting anomalies. Under the paradoxical situation, where patriarchy and conservatism are real life obstacles to love, where should love find its way, what should a lover do?
Change in the outlook of societies are time demanding. Quick fixes, choosing beloved as spouse without parents will, begets more problems than solving them. Perhaps, no venue is as promising as to work with traditional mores and hone the skill of maneuvering them. All parents want the happiness of their children, so they need some counseling that happiness can neither be bought nor does it lie in neither a cousin’s home nor elsewhere. Love is never about material wellbeing either. Well furnished house, luxury car, and bank balance do facilitate life though these are no substitute for love. Generally parents, in all good faith, prefer these things while deciding a life partner for their children. But they generally remain oblivious that “sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.”
For love is the voluntary submission of the will of a lover to the will of beloved, the sure abode of beloved’s happiness is a lover’s heart. Having had enough with the devastation caused by the orgy of hatred, we need love to prosper. For love is the antidote to hatred and the recipe for integration, it leads all the way to acceptance and peace in the society.
Farman Kakar is a freelance columnist from Quetta, Pakistan. He can be reached by email at fkakar85@gmail.com, and he tweets @mughtian.
Paintings : Arsalan Khan
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