Pashtuns and marriage

[Muslimah]

Just a question...
What is marriage like for you all?

[Zahia]

^Those are a minority in us and I hardly doubt it's true.

Pashtuns are known to be super religious and they will never go against Islam...

My boyfriend told me yesterday that the Pashtun culture goes against Islam, because one should choose a woman to marry based on her devotion to Islam, not to culture or any other factor. My boyfriend's parents are dead set that he will marry a Pashtun girl and do not care what he wishes. He feels bound to do so. I am with Muslimah, I have mostly met Pashtuns that follow this. I hope with all my heart that it is like you say, a minority.

[Muslimah]

Just for us, we ran into those minorities. It's all I have known. Although he has one uncle who married a non-pasthun, and his family refuses to talk to him every again! It's been 27 years. Poopy!

[MazloomyarMaseed]

My boyfriend told me yesterday that the Pashtun culture goes against Islam, because one should choose a woman to marry based on her devotion to Islam, not to culture or any other factor. My boyfriend's parents are dead set that he will marry a Pashtun girl and do not care what he wishes. He feels bound to do so. I am with Muslimah, I have mostly met Pashtuns that follow this. I hope with all my heart that it is like you say, a minority.

Islam also is against dating and boyfriend/girlfriends as well.

[Muslimah]

Britney Spears married a Pashtun? WHAT?

[MazloomyarMaseed]

A Pashtun has no colour, A pashtun has honour,culture and is a guardian.We have fair skin,dark skin, mix skin, we have brother who is fair skin other brother who is dark skin, we are not as obessive towards our skin as indians and punjabis are.

[tor_khan]

tor khans entire family I believe is all over the place.

come here tor khan and tell them how it goes.

I'm being stalked - someone is building up an entire profile on me somewhere!

I must have made a comment at some point either in Chai Khaana or here on Pashtun Forums about some of the more interesting marriage choices members of my family have made.

For the record, I went for a "blind-date" for life type of arranged marriage. Very simple arrangement, and a very traditionally Pashtoon setup. Few questions. Fewer unrealisitc expectations and because we married young, we've continued to grow together.

People are different and these days there's more value placed on following the heart or trying to get a perfect match of minds. There's nothing wrong with that in principle - but we've all heard of people being misled when their hearts begin to flutter.

Is it possible (aside from the brain and the heart) to love someone with your guts? We can all hate with our guts, but I figure that the gut feeling, is generally the one that is more accurate than the heart which is an emotional chemical factory and the head wants a marriage to fit into a logical career plan.

The only problem with loving someone with your guts, is that it doesn't look so good in a greetings card message.

[tor_khan]

haha loving with your guts. That's interesting.
But you married a Pashtun right?

I think that a lot of those parents that want their children to marry pashtun look for "assets" rather than whether they're compatible and will fall in love. Does the son have a university degree? Is he a doctor? Does the woman know how to cook and clean? Does she like kids? It is more of "will the pieces fit" rather than "are they in love" in Pashtun culture, right?

And why is what everyone else thinks of a marriage choice so important?

Hey, loving with the guts - I want the idea to catch on!

You're right, there are many ulterior motives for the reasons that parents chose certain matches.

My wife and I were talking (we're both Pashtoon naturally) about a neighbour and whether we would not choose a girl like that for our son in years to come. In a word, she lives like a Waynetta - she cleans once a fortnight and most days feeds her family take-away meals. She can't fix missing button on her husband's shirt and the only 'cooking' she does are boil in the bag couscous meals served with olives from a jar.

For most people, it's a fallacy that you can hire home-help to do these jobs. The obvious question (maybe I'm unfair) is what positive she brings to her family? I know her husband wishes she'd do more.

Basically, and I don't care if this sounds old fashioned, but I would like any future wife of my son to be able to have some domestic skills. No-one here is talking about denying education or choice, but I figure that beauty and and college romances alone might not guarantee a completely rounded person.

[Muslimah]

And that is definitely true.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRs7Us-a6CU This lecture is by far one of the best I have ever heard in my life. It talks about how men and women have each their own roles. Islam tries to keep women and men in their natural roles (ie women are naturally better at cooking and childbearing, whereas men are better at repairs and working hard).
Of course, if I was married and had kids, I would never want them to have a wife who couldn't handle domestic responsibilities, or a husband who didn't want to work.

[Shayesta]

It depends on each area really. In provinces like Paktia and Khost for example, I am only hearing about family marriages. Majority of them don't even marry outside their family, let alone outside their provinces. As for my family, majority men in my family have married Pukhtana's but all my aunts and mother's cousins are married to non-Pukhtoons. Mostly to Tajiks but they do speak Pukhto as their first language though. That's why I never had the feeling there is any non-Pukhtoon in my family. I am also married to a non-Pukhtoon and his family is probably much more Pukhtoon than mine. And with that I mean; Too strict on their women while a lot of our women marry per their own wish, they speak much better Pukhto than us, they care much more about dressing as covered as possible compared to nearly all Pukhtoons I have seen, it's actually ridiculous and at same time funny how much they love danger, and these are just some examples of it!

That's because areas like Jalalabad, Laghman, Kunar, etcetera are too mixed and therefore you hardly see any difference between Tajiks and Pukhtoons.

[BLS_1919v2.0]

Just for us, we ran into those minorities. It's all I have known. Although he has one uncle who married a non-pasthun, and his family refuses to talk to him every again! It's been 27 years. Poopy!

Ye there are a lot of stories like that. Religion normally for Pashtuns isn't an issue as 99 % pashtuns as muslims, so it generally boils down to tribe, family, region, etc. In pashto it is known as siyaalii. However, again you can't generalize, we are 50 million people, so you will see the good,the bad and ugly. About islam and pashto (pashtuns code), there are certain things that Pashtuns do that are strictly pashto, like doing the engagement at the groom's house, etc. It is hard for a non pashtun to understand them, but if you spend more time with pashtuns, you will get a better idea about it.

[BLS_1919v2.0]

Pashtunwali says a man can marry a non-pashtun woman, as long as she is willing to learn the language, adopt the culture as it was her own, and raise the children Pashtun.
Islam says that the man is to choose a woman for her faith, not her looks, culture or money.

Yet, somewhere along the line, a lot of people don't follow either of these.

Lucky for me, I am Canadian, and I will neverrrrrrrrr marry a Canadian. No beer drinking, hockey loving, sausage eating, beer belly man! Woohoo. Allah saved me from that at least! hehe No - not all Canadians are like that, but after 40 thats what they become. lol

Loll I live in Canada, its not that bad. Hockey is not a bad thing come on :-P. On a serious note, yes it can happen, and like I said there are such scenarios. Again it all boils down to the family and person. There are pashtuns who have married non pashtuns and there are those that have not.

[BLS_1919v2.0]

Well,

If you're a Toronto Maple Leaf fan, then you SUCK!
Go habs go! (Although they suck sooo bad lately)

My cousin plays in NHL. Hockey is in my family. Even I used to play. *embarrassed*

loll I have love for the leafs but back in high school I was a flyers fan, you know because of Roenick. I am not as big of a hockey though as I am a soccer, NFL, or MMA. However, don't diss my bluejays :-P

[BLS_1919v2.0]

Well the raptors I can't hate them, even though they continuously rob me of any hapiness every nba season. San Antonio is a clutch team. To be honest, anyone but the lakers.

[Khushal Khan Khattak]

What is marriage like for you all?

just like it is for the rest of the world except the west.

From what I have learned, you don't really have a choice,

Wrong!. nothing true with that.

its your parents that pick out the guy/girl.

not if you dont want them to.

The more fair skinned she is the better (sorry, this is sad to say).

Nope, incorrect.

You often don't meet until after the nikkah.

Nope, not necessarily, only in villages, that too only a proportion, but meeting here is not in the sense of courting, which is not only un Islamic, non Pushtun BUT ALSO UN CHRISTIAN.

And you don't marry either outside of your family/outside of Pashtun culture.

Wrong! its not a law that has to be abided.

How much of this is true?

Most of it was basically falsehoods, whoever told you, misled you.

How much of this is because I meet poopy people?

then meet the good people now, thanx.