Regrets and advices?

[Fahd]

to get love marriage some people may go to such extents as to make a complete prostitute/pimp of themselves, becoming dirty and unappealing to a Pashtun Muslim/Muslima

u should know that in any thing there would be some ppl ....
some ppl ..., some ppl.....
right our prince

[Fahd]

^????

[Mina]

@Unknownprince
First of all let me tell u that reading such mentalities like u 've is extremely disappointing and saddening at the same time. But coming back to your points, as far as I know, Mina means love in Pashtu so no I'm not any Iranian. And regarding not thinking about love.....

1- If we can love people whom we start our lives with such as fathers, mothers and siblings then why cant we love the person we want to spend THE REST of our lives with?? Now u might say that thats different, which indeed is the case, but the similarity is that u 'll miss your family when driven away from them 'cause u love them and same way u 'll miss the person you wanted to spend your love with 'cause u even loved that person.

2- Life without love is absolutely meaningless and thats the reason why I find that many Pashtuns back home 're leading absolutely meaningless life!! Yes children is one of the reasons u marry but a person has all the right to decide WHOM he/she wants to have children with? WHOM he/she wants his/her child to share blood with? Life isnt a "job" where your job is to find a child machine and her job is to make her children do the same, no. Life should be led with a cause 'cause causes give u a REASON to live and a REASON to love life. If u 're talking per Islamic perspective then dont u know how much our beloved prophet loved his first wife??

3- Love exists WAY longer than media, tv, music and etc exist so lets not blame the media. Yes people indeed take wrong meaning out of "love" and 're embarrassing the name of love by sleeping around, dating around, roaming around etc but let me remind me u that thats not called love, thats called LUST. Those people say they 're in love but in reality they 're only in love by words, just like how many Muslims nowadays 're Muslims just by name. So shall we criticize for the acts of those who got no idea what Islam is about?

4- Iranians 're beautiful people with beautiful culture, and most of them 're very humble as well. As far as their premarital sex goes, most of them convert to Christianity or Atheism the minute they enter the west and therefore we cant judge them as Muslims anymore, if they turn their back to Islam then thats between them and Him. Not them and us, Muslims.

5- Once again those who sleep around arent in love, they 're in lust. Love doesnt equal premarital sex, thats what people nowadays 're making out of it. I had this Spanish friend (may Allah bless her soul) since I was 7 or so and she was a very devoted Catholic. She was with her boyfriend since she was 16 and she was 23 when she married her boyfriend and u 'll be surprised to know she didnt 've any intercourse with him till they were atleast engaged! She told me literally everything about her life and nor did she 've any reason to lie, thats why I'm certain she waited, AND made him wait, for seven years but unfortunately she passed away after giving birth to her daughter. I got another German friend who isnt into boyfriend stuff 'cause she only wants to date someone whom she can imagine marrying. So having relationship doesnt equal cheapness, its all up to the person him-/herself and if the person had a good upbringing then he/she 'll know his/her limits. If not then that person never cared for culture or religion in first place.

6- Last time I was in Afghanistan was two years ago and 99% of those Pashtanas I saw were leading a dogs life. No love from her own family, NO LOVE AT ALL from her in-laws and their husband 're always out at nights. In Afghanistan love marriages hardly happen amongst Pashtuns but yet VERY DIRTY things happen and those things 're so disgusting that I dont even want to mention them here. If not love marriage then people should atleast marry someone THEY approve and not their parents or grandparents. Its their life and not their families lives as their family very obviously will marry their children off to families who 're "respected and honored". And compared to those lives women in Afghanistan 're leading, I'm 10000000% in favor of love marriage as at least then u wont be as tortured thinking u atleast married the one u loved!

7- And now coming to these western countries, we live in a society where many thinkings clash, people do not get along easily and well and therefore its very important people here in west know what they 're up to. In Afghanistan people 're used to this term called "adjustment" but once again thats not what life is about. We came to west to live happy and healthy lives, mentalities here 're so that people 're very intolerant of differences between them and partners and first step they think of is divorce. Yes also love marriages go into **** for many Muslims but I guarantee that even if u regret marrying the person u loved, u wont regret actually marrying the person u WANTED TO. Thats why u dont necessarily HAVE TO roam around with different people to see whom u love, but make sure u atleast know about the habits of the person u 're marrying and be sure u sit with him, listen to his conditions and u put forwards yours.

[IamDZJ]

For example, Iranis have pre-marital sex, and have no culture whatsoever. When I see them, they become so ugly and unappealing to me.

how old are you? why do you always have to talk like a dumb ****?

[kandahari ella]

Mina, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, ignore "unknownprince". PERIOD. Are you currently not happy in your relationship? What happened to the person that you loved? Were you guys talking and then you got married to someone else? Or were you guys interested in one another and it didn't lead any further? Sorry for the questions, but for some reason- I wanna know more. If you're willing to share. I believe in love. Relationships are complicated. There will be arguments and drama all the time, but at the end of the day all of that is irreverent when you're with a person who's (along with you) willing to change the dynamics of the relationship.

Relationships/Marriages are enormous compromises- there is no more “me” but rather a “we”. Following the theme of relationships, I cannot stress enough on how much one needs to know what they want in life before going into incredibly serious situation, where each spouse has a different outlook/belief of what marriage/children/work/home life is hypothetically to be like. Find out and listen to what your other half desires before you make any decisions. Life is not perfect and bad things happen to the best of us. We all have false hopes/promises of relationships- darn all those Disney movies and Romantic Comedies.

Adding onto the morsel on relationships, always remember that you have Allah (swt) with you. Believe that sometimes things happen for a reason, you might not know of it today- but somewhere done the line it’ll make sense and bring delight and serenity into your heart.Remind yourself that- Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

Mina Jan, you might not know it know but maybe down the line you'll see the reason behind why your spouse is good for you. It's a lesson. I don't know your situation, and I'm hoping for the best for the both of you and that Insha'Allah- whatever you may be going through Allah (SWT) will help you out.

[Fahd]

@Unknownprince
First of all let me tell u that reading such mentalities like u 've is extremely disappointing and saddening at the same time. But coming back to your points, as far as I know, Mina means love in Pashtu so no I'm not any Iranian. And regarding not thinking about love.....

1- If we can love people whom we start our lives with such as fathers, mothers and siblings then why cant we love the person we want to spend THE REST of our lives with?? Now u might say that thats different, which indeed is the case, but the similarity is that u 'll miss your family when driven away from them 'cause u love them and same way u 'll miss the person you wanted to spend your love with 'cause u even loved that person.

2- Life without love is absolutely meaningless and thats the reason why I find that many Pashtuns back home 're leading absolutely meaningless life!! Yes children is one of the reasons u marry but a person has all the right to decide WHOM he/she wants to have children with? WHOM he/she wants his/her child to share blood with? Life isnt a "job" where your job is to find a child machine and her job is to make her children do the same, no. Life should be led with a cause 'cause causes give u a REASON to live and a REASON to love life. If u 're talking per Islamic perspective then dont u know how much our beloved prophet loved his first wife??

3- Love exists WAY longer than media, tv, music and etc exist so lets not blame the media. Yes people indeed take wrong meaning out of "love" and 're embarrassing the name of love by sleeping around, dating around, roaming around etc but let me remind me u that thats not called love, thats called LUST. Those people say they 're in love but in reality they 're only in love by words, just like how many Muslims nowadays 're Muslims just by name. So shall we criticize for the acts of those who got no idea what Islam is about?

4- Iranians 're beautiful people with beautiful culture, and most of them 're very humble as well. As far as their premarital sex goes, most of them convert to Christianity or Atheism the minute they enter the west and therefore we cant judge them as Muslims anymore, if they turn their back to Islam then thats between them and Him. Not them and us, Muslims.

5- Once again those who sleep around arent in love, they 're in lust. Love doesnt equal premarital sex, thats what people nowadays 're making out of it. I had this Spanish friend (may Allah bless her soul) since I was 7 or so and she was a very devoted Catholic. She was with her boyfriend since she was 16 and she was 23 when she married her boyfriend and u 'll be surprised to know she didnt 've any intercourse with him till they were atleast engaged! She told me literally everything about her life and nor did she 've any reason to lie, thats why I'm certain she waited, AND made him wait, for seven years but unfortunately she passed away after giving birth to her daughter. I got another German friend who isnt into boyfriend stuff 'cause she only wants to date someone whom she can imagine marrying. So having relationship doesnt equal cheapness, its all up to the person him-/herself and if the person had a good upbringing then he/she 'll know his/her limits. If not then that person never cared for culture or religion in first place.

6- Last time I was in Afghanistan was two years ago and 99% of those Pashtanas I saw were leading a dogs life. No love from her own family, NO LOVE AT ALL from her in-laws and their husband 're always out at nights. In Afghanistan love marriages hardly happen amongst Pashtuns but yet VERY DIRTY things happen and those things 're so disgusting that I dont even want to mention them here. If not love marriage then people should atleast marry someone THEY approve and not their parents or grandparents. Its their life and not their families lives as their family very obviously will marry their children off to families who 're "respected and honored". And compared to those lives women in Afghanistan 're leading, I'm 10000000% in favor of love marriage as at least then u wont be as tortured thinking u atleast married the one u loved!

7- And now coming to these western countries, we live in a society where many thinkings clash, people do not get along easily and well and therefore its very important people here in west know what they 're up to. In Afghanistan people 're used to this term called "adjustment" but once again thats not what life is about. We came to west to live happy and healthy lives, mentalities here 're so that people 're very intolerant of differences between them and partners and first step they think of is divorce. Yes also love marriages go into **** for many Muslims but I guarantee that even if u regret marrying the person u loved, u wont regret actually marrying the person u WANTED TO. Thats why u dont necessarily HAVE TO roam around with different people to see whom u love, but make sure u atleast know about the habits of the person u 're marrying and be sure u sit with him, listen to his conditions and u put forwards yours.

i just read some lines and stop
i rell y feel that u relly sad hope ur life become better
that's 1 of pashtun problem
the doughter when she marry in pashtun life
they make this day's soooooo sad
u should have big brother who can help u in that if ur marry is mistake

[Mina]

Since this is a forum where I'm anonymous and I'm sure for a fact that none I know 'll ever visit this site, let me share my story with u guys and HOPEFULLY I can guide those need guidance at this very stage of their lives. Or even future. But before going into this I would like to say that not everyone's situation has to be the same as me, there surely also might be people who 're extremely lucky and happy in arranged marriage. All I want to say is be VERY VERY VERY carefully with whom u marry as in our society second marriage equals death. PLEASE think a million times before saying yes to anyone, even if u like him/her 'cause adjustments in a marriage is MUCH tougher than u expect! MUCH tougher.......


I came to west when I was as young as 5 and we 're 3 sisters, 1 brother and a mother. I lost my father and elder brother in wars between mujahideen so I can't remember anything about both of them. Though my brother is older than me, I 've always been the "responsible and caring" one in our household. From the age of 13 I started to earn for the house which went at the cost of my education. Very badly. I left educated when I was 16 and carried on working so I can earn enough for the house. Despite of being in west since I was 5, I 've been raised in a family where we 're being reminded every minute NOT to miss any prayer, NOT to cross our limits, NOT to do this, NOT to do that. My brother was absolutely fine but I in particular was being reminded every single second NOT to look at guys, NOT to speak to guys, and NOT getting close to Afghan guys. I ‘ve only learned what I’m NOT supposed to do so that my younger sisters take a good example of me, while my sisters got habit of cursing, screaming and ignoring from my mother and brother. Not me. I was the one LISTENING to it.

Also at the age of 16 this family proposed to me, they were in Afghanistan but his brothers ‘re here in west. My mother seemed super excited ‘cause he was handsome, from a rich family, well respected family PLUS people only had good stories about him since he was and is amazing in pleasing others. Which is ofcourse by lies and fakeness. I told my mother that I’m not into all this but all of a sudden she started to “love” me, she became very humble and sweet. I found out that the reason for that was the guy’s proposal. Till I was 18 they kept proposing and my mother started about what a good family they ‘re for waiting for years for me, while it was very obvious to me that they waited for the greencard since they didnt even know what I was like! My mum kept convincing me to say yes and my entire family had already agreed. I got very nervous and had no idea what to do. For years I kept hearing his praises, his brothers used to bring in his pictures by one or another excuse. In other words, he was DUMPED into my head and mind. I was MENTALLY FORCED to think about him all the time, and only about him.

When I was 18 my mother had given her final consent and at that time I was already fallen into the arguments of saying yes to him. I was very ok back and got into the thinking of "that marriage is for having children anyway, I dont need love marriage but love IN marriage". I thought, he’s a nice guy as far as people tell me and he waited for years, I should be fine and I even thought I was in love! Then after few weeks we got engaged I talked to him on the phone and he seemed very cunning and knew exactly what to say and what not to say. He had this perfect talks I wasnt comfortable with. With perfect talks I mean, he was trying to convince me he never had a girlfriend, while I never asked for his past, he tried to be politically correct and made everything sound so perfect. I was used to “normal” talks and normal matters.

After a while, the more I spoke to him, the more we got in disagreement, the more we got into arguments, the less we were talking to eachother. He was demanding me to do things even my mother never did and said a perfect wife is someone who listens and does EVERYTHING her husband says. I was raised in a society where we believe in women’s right, I felt like I was losing it. He had absolutely no understanding for my situation and no respect for my choices. It was like no matter how well educated a woman is, she's always a man's shoes. And my mother even agreed, that was the worst part seeing she herself never had a happy marriage and should therefore 've understanding for my situation. All these problems, work, etc got me very depressed and I also got ill because of that. I went to visit my doctor and he suggested I stop working for a while and start studying again.

I applied for a uni which accepted me after much trouble since I hadnt finished my college completely ‘cause of personal circumstances. I thought I ‘ll just refresh my mind and try to manage with my fiance, I ‘ll try to make him understand or otherwise adjust to whatever he says. I was certain I would. There I got this Pashtana friend who was a very sweet girl, partly Afghan and partly Pakistani. I was telling her about how I got difficulties with my studies since I havent studied for ages. She told me that she got a cousin who is a senior in the subject I’m studying and that maybe he could help me. I was in library with this Pashtana friend of mine when her cousin came over, and my first ever reaction was to bow down my head and NOT look at him. It made me nervous if any Muslim guy and especially Pashtun guy would speak to me ‘cause my mother never allowed me to speak to one. She always used to say Afghan/Muslim guys in west ‘re dirty and ‘re only after body. Thats why I never got to know ANYTHING about men.Even when her cousin was trying to help, I couldnt look at him, I didnt look at him ‘cause I was worried but he thought I’m being shy and it actually attracted him.

Just one day we were talking about society and human rights, and whatever the guy said, whatever he was thinking, whatever he was hoping for in the future, his behavious, I felt like he actually went into my mind. We had SO much in common, he was so respectful towards women, such an intelligent guy and NOT dirty at all! Even my friend used to praise him all the time but back then I never paid attention. For the first time ever, I didnt feel worried by a guy, I could actually talk to a guy even in private. There were so many times he came to library to “help me” with assigments but we ended up talking about Afghanistan, Pakistan, west, future, etc. I couldnt believe guys could be THIS respectful, THIS understanding, and THIS civilized 'cause I was ALWAYS thaught the opposite of it! For first time I enjoyed life, I enjoyed what I'm doing and felt like all my stress has vanished.

Then one day my fiance called and said his father had planned our wedding for after two months, there I got frozen and my “perfect life” got shattered after just a few months. I realized how wrong I’m by talking to a stranger, by trusting a stranger and actually enjoy talking to him. I HATED myself for that and I cursed myself for that a million times. I hated myself for deceiving on my fiance. Though I found out even my fiance had been talking to random girls here and there and its false he never had a relationship, I still couldnt believe I indirectly cheated on him. I didnt cross any limits with this guy, but still, I'm a Pashtana, a Muslima, what 've I just done?! I didnt ‘ve the guts to face him for atleast six weeks, and about just a week before my trip to Afghanistan to get married, I told him I’m getting married. I saw a very deep sorrow on his face and realized he actually liked me too, which shattered me even more. He didnt wish me good luck or anything, just said enjoy your stay in Afghanistan and walked away.


When I arrived in Afghanistan, all I could think of was my last convo with him. The first guy ever who actually understood me and knew what I like to talk about. I felt like a living corpse in Afghanistan, I couldnt say a word to my fiance and nor my in laws. Afghanistan is so beautiful, so much to enjoy there, yet I enjoyed NOTHING. On my nekah night when I was asked whether I agree to this marriage, I couldnt say anything for definitely 10 mins and my sisters in law kept pushing me to say yes. There I bursted out in tears and definitely for an hour I couldnt stop crying. When I was asked after calming down why I cried, I said that I wished my father was here. A lie but at the same time some truth in it. My mother understood why I cried and she pulled me in a room and said I can still opt out of this marriage, but then I should expect dead body of my mother.

I just said yes and got over and done with it. But we remained husband and wife only for society, we still had nothing in common, no understanding for eachother, no tolerance whatsoever, but all he knew is that now atleast he can do his legal paperwork to come to west so nor did he bother to talk to me anymore. And nor can I blame him.


When I got back to west after my marriage, I thought now I’m starting a new life, lets do it all over again! Next day on uni I again saw him and again he just said salam and walked away. I asked him to meet me in private and that we should talk. He told me the day I told him I’m getting married, he wanted to send his parents to my house. And now since I’m married already he’s got no reason to keep in touch with me ‘cause he knows what it means for a married Afghan woman to keep in touch with strangers. His eyes looked very fierce and wet, there he said his final goodbye and left and said he would ‘ve loved to stay friends, but thats impossible and we both know why. That day it was unbelievable how much I cried. I didnt know whether I was crying ‘cause I’m not going to see him anymore, or ‘cause I’m married already? Next day I thought I ‘ll be over all this and that it can’t be love, maybe just a crush but not a love ‘cause how can I love someone I knew just few months and also when I was engaged? I kept seeing him in town but quickly hid myself somewhere in a corner, and from those days till I say him last time I never noticed a smile or happiness on his face.


I’m married for 3 years now and still I cant get along with my husband. Not ‘cause of him as he tried VERY HARD to get my attention, to understand me and to help me. But I never allowed him, and even today, I aint over the guy I “loved/liked”, whatever u call it. Till the day of today he crosses my mind and I keep thinking to myself that if I’d never started uni at all, I wouldnt 've met him at all then maybe I could make this marriage work, but how can I make a marriage work while my heart is elsewhere? Now I realize thats it not just a crush, its more than that. Being in crush for 3 years and that also while u 're in a relationship already is too much and too unrealistic. I realized what a HUGE mistake I 've made by giving in so quickly and how I 've shattered three hearts at once. I still cant forgive myself for what I 've done, and nor can I forgive my destiny for playing such a big game with me.

[Admin Khan]

Mina,
have you ever witnessed those moments where you want to respond to someone but you just don't know how to respond or what to say? I have this genuine concern for your situation but I am lost looking for words that explain how I feel after I read your post. All I can assure you is that you are in my prayers.

Please smile.

[Dust]

Mina, would you allow me to say somethings in public, or would you like me to pm you?

[kandahari ella]

Mina Jan,
I can only imagine what kind of heartbreak you're going through. Like Afghan lady mentioned if you need to talk or anything please please please don't hesitate to pm me and I'll give you my contact information. I'll keep you in my prayers and know that you never to have feel so trapped in a situation.

[Laila]

@ Mina, your story made me cry, honestly it made me cry.

I know you told me i can reply here in this thread....but i prefer to reply back to you in our PM. Then you can tell me what you think......though my situation is different than yours

[IamDZJ]

i have had an irani friend for over 9 years now. i respect her parents like mine and her brothers respect me like they respect their own sisters. if i ever hear you talk about them is such a manner again i will track you down and feed you rat poison in a nice warm cup of pumpkin latte. and i am not kidding zahir.



AS FOR THE SUBJECT BEING DISCUSSED...LOVE CAN'T BE BOUGHT. NOT EVEN BY LOVE ITSELF. I DON'T EXPECT ANY ONE ELSE TO UNDERSTAND THAT EXCEPT MINA HERSELF.

[Laila]

I did not cry, but I think i understand that love is important now in life.

I cried because she loved a man. And i am in love with someone. And i cannot imagine what i would do if i ended up not married to the man i love, khoda nakona.

After reading her story, I cherish my love for him 1000% more now. I pray for Mina jan, that through out everything and anything, she is happy. That she will be one day with her true love, even if its on Qiyamat.

[Laila]

not going to lie laila, but i laughed when i read your post. not being disrespectful, but im just telling you the truth.

now I retract what i said about love marriage, but I stick to what i said about gf/bf and that it leads people astray.

Its all good At least you have an understanding

[Gulalai]

reading this thread has made me depressed...