Changing yourself - an exercise in futility

[Shapur]

We have all heard ourselves and others saying "I will change", rather than accepting ourselves and others for who we are, we fool ourselves that one day we will change thus playing games with ourselves.

Now the question is, when we try to change our selves, who is going to do the changing? is the same self going to bring about change that needs a change in the first place? Meaning there is something wrong, hence the need for change. How can that self bring about change when it is itself crippled and doesn't believe in itself and is in need of change?

So forget changing yourself for the better or the worse, you can never change yourself, embrace yourself as your are with all your faults or suffer from internal dissonance trying to resist your true self for the sake of others.

[Shamlawar Khurasani]

When people talk about changing they mean improving themselves. Self aware people observe their own behavior, attitude and habits and they try to find out what is preventing them from becoming better version of who they are.

Suppose you are not a good neighbor because you are up all night playing violent video games and making noise. Your neighbors will suffer because you are disturbing them. If you care about fellow human beings and if you want be a better person, you will say to yourself: I am being selfish. I may be a selfish person and this may be who I am but so care about other people and I have self esteem. I respect myself and I want to be good towards my neighbors and I want to be able to look them in the eye without feeling ashamed for disturbing them at night.

So your own mind, your own values and your own determination will make you a different person. A better version of who you are. That's changing who you are.

If you are intrinsically motivated and you have a good set of values you will constantly try to be a better person. If you are not, then you are most likely a sociopath.

[DaZahroJaam.]

when we try to change our selves, who is going to do the changing?

The answer to every question is hidden somewhere in the question it's self. The changing will happen by the part of yourself that is not happy with your former self, once the irritation gets too overwhelming to tolerate.

[Manzareh]

Time is never static so we are always changing, circumstances don't stay the same forever.. So even if we wish not to change its happening.. The decision we make is which way we steer our future selves and make it, Change is inevitable to happen, however in which way we change; for the better or worse it totally down to us.

[Shapur]

When people talk about changing they mean improving themselves. Self aware people observe their own behavior, attitude and habits and they try to find out what is preventing them from becoming better version of who they are.

When you say self aware people observe their behaviour, isn't the observer the same person who is doing everything in the first place? or are there two beings? The observer is simply the same as the observed, there is no difference. When people make distinction between the observer and the observed, they are just playing games with themselves and by assuming the position of the observer, they take the higher moral ground which they call their conscience(Zameer in pashto) and fool themselves into thinking they have made progress by observing their attitude and will change. Who is going to observe the observer to make sure that everything is observed properly and verify that indeed things have improved?

Suppose you are not a good neighbor because you are up all night playing violent video games and making noise. Your neighbors will suffer because you are disturbing them. If you care about fellow human beings and if you want be a better person, you will say to yourself: I am being selfish. I may be a selfish person and this may be who I am but so care about other people and I have self esteem. I respect myself and I want to be good towards my neighbors and I want to be able to look them in the eye without feeling ashamed for disturbing them at night.
So your own mind, your own values and your own determination will make you a different person. A better version of who you are. That's changing who you are.
If you are intrinsically motivated and you have a good set of values you will constantly try to be a better person. If you are not, then you are most likely a sociopath.

Humans are social creatures and in order for society to function properly certain rules and conventions have to be respected. We might modify our behavior sometimes to respect these rules but is it really done out of love or just because we have to do it because its considered proper behavior in the society that we live in? That's one of the reasons why so many hypocrites exist, people do things because they have to, not because they believe in what they do or want to do those things but because they have to fit into the society and appear "normal".

What I meant by changing yourself was to say that some people are obsessed with reaching some kind of ideal or perfection which doesn't exist. They want to achieve enlightenment or acquire some magical powers with would get rid of all their problems in life. People think by improving themselves, they will somehow be free of problems and life will be a smooth sailing. There is no running away from problems or ups and downs in life and by improving yourself artificially and thinking you have changed will not make you immune from realities of life.

[Shapur]

The answer to every question is hidden somewhere in the question it's self. The changing will happen by the part of yourself that is not happy with your former self, once the irritation gets too overwhelming to tolerate.

Can you elaborate further on this? When you say part, what do you mean and what is former self?

[DaZahroJaam.]

first of all, i am not convinced that you truly believe what you have stated up there about a person being unable to change himself because the person who needs to change is the same person who is wrong in the first place.. maybe you are doing that for the purpose of leading others towards the rhetorical aspect of it but yeah..
secondly, human beings have survived 6 million years of evolution. change and adaptation is one thing that we are kind of good at so it's an understatement or incorrect when one implies that we cant change because we are imperfect whether that is biological or psychological..
last but not least, i am not sure if it was kohelburg, piaget or fruad, but, one of these psychologists suggests that while we grow up ( become adults) and become aware of what is right and wrong, we develop a sense of self that can stand back and take a look at the person it's self and recognize the right or wrongs that they do before justifying it or disagreeing with it for various reasons. when i say "the part of you that is not happy with the way that you are when you are wrong" that is what i am referring to.
and then depending on how far back you are in that stage of moral development, you are either a ****ty person in your day to day interactions with others or a serial killer with no remorse who truly believes his or her victims deserved to be killed or tortured.

[sterge]

[QUOTE=Shapur;800254]

We have all heard ourselves and others saying "I will change", rather than accepting ourselves and others for who we are, we fool ourselves that one day we will change thus playing games with ourselves.

So if a thief/criminal/serial-killer/ warmonger etc. etc. wants to change, is it wrong? Should they embrace their situation and continue rocking?

Now the question is, when we try to change our selves, who is going to do the changing?

One has to be accountable if they want to change.

is the same self going to bring about change that needs a change in the first place? Meaning there is something wrong, hence the need for change. How can that self bring about change when it is itself crippled and doesn't believe in itself and is in need of change?

The self will change in willingness which can be factored by external context as well. The core is: delve into thyself and acknowledge thyself first.

So forget changing yourself for the better or the worse, you can never change yourself, embrace yourself as your are with all your faults or suffer from internal dissonance trying to resist your true self for the sake of others.

Oh-vey

[sterge]

Time is never static so we are always changing, circumstances don't stay the same forever.. So even if we wish not to change its happening.. The decision we make is which way we steer our future selves and make it, Change is inevitable to happen, however in which way we change; for the better or worse it totally down to us.

In space-time: the universe itself is a static object.

Blame Einstein and Weyl.

"The objective world simply is, it does not happen. Only to the gaze of my consciousness, crawling upward along the life line of my body does a section of this world come to life as a fleeting image in space which continuously changes in time."
—Herman Weyl

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[Zakiah]

So forget changing yourself for the better or the worse, you can never change yourself, embrace yourself as your are with all your faults or suffer from internal dissonance trying to resist your true self for the sake of others.

What if the person has really bad habits such as sleeping back after fajir..then waking up really late after that.

I have always wanted to wake early, because waking up early improves quality of life. But i dont know how to make that change. I plan and i keep failing.